logbook// 17th of february 2019 on #issuperficialthenewnorm

hello lovely world people out there, decided to finally start writing little stories, honest stories, stories i go on and on about in my head and sometimes stories that i don’t have an answer to.. hope you like reading it and get a bit of a spin for your own day by day// life story

#issuperficialthenewnorm

are we all lost somehow? i wonder more and more how disconnected most of us are.. i know it might sound very dramatic in first place but i feel more and more like this nowadays..

let me explain a bit: walking on the streets or taking the tram i observe a lot, sometimes i just sit down in a cafe and watch people passing by and the scenery itself. the more i see the more i loose faith.. there are so little people who keep their head up and really take in what is happening around them. and i mean just the beauty of the moment that will pass in a blink of an eye. either the rays of sunlight or just small things that happen when you are able to see them.. instead most people are constantly on their phone. either taking pictures to document but only by seeing the scenery through their phone display. and somehow pretending how perfect their life is (don’t get me wrong, maybe their life is perfect but latest as soon as the photo session is over the bored face expressions returns on their face). the other group pretends to have a good time with the people they hang out with but then also them are constantly on their phone and seem not to listen to what the other have to say. or even worse there seem to be no conversation but each one is on their phone having a “conversation” elsewhere. i see it everywhere and the worst for me are couples who seem to have nothing to say anymore but just spend time on their phone.. how alone can you get being in a relationship? i guess very very alone..

yeah this is the thing that makes me contemplate where this world is about to head to and i truly believe we all lost a bit of meaning in life.

we lost the connection that chatting on the phone with our friends does not mean we are connecting the same way as spending time with them in real life. watching our friends’ posts on social media doesn’t mean we engage with them. and honestly how the hell do you know this is a true representation of how they feel? don’t we all pretend a bit and make everything look a bit brighter and more colourful instead of telling the truth? same is accountable to our dating culture: our “matches” on tinder or other platforms with whom we chat for a long time are not people that we truly know. we create a picture of them with the information given. and then we meet and the bubble just bursts. oh well, what can you do, right? we just move on and play the same game over and over again..

we lost a bit of meaning and being so lost i feel we struggle to find back to the smallest common ground that is of true value to us. we are confused and we have a constant fear of missing out so we try to keep all the balls in the air and by checking social media we feel like engaging with sooo many friends all at the same time. trust me this is a huge fallacy if you believe you know how your friends are doing by checking their social media.

i realized many things about myself but also how i see life and so many things started to fall into place and dawn on me recently. to realize how much importance lies in a true connection is what i learned. i still sometimes feel disconnected because there are only a handful people who i truly connect with but these are the ones that make me feel alive in a deeper sense. these are the ones that share common values with me and the ones that truly care. these are the ones that give and take in equal shares. it doesn’t mean though that we speak on a daily base but it means whenever we talk or see each other we feel like nothing changed at all. i love that. i love how something deep in me clicks with them and how much we give each other. it leaves me stunned every time that happens. and whenever i meet someone new and this connection happens i know how much it means to me to only look for those true deep connections and fade out the background noise.

nevertheless i had a lot time where i missed this connection completely and i felt lost myself. i had dark times where i couldn’t find people to connect with. but seeing it now i see that as simple as it sounds first of all i was not connected to myself. so how would i expect to connect to someone else? it took lots of time but eventually i found the connection in me first. i always say you have to save yourself first before you are able to safe others and there is so much truth in it.

a couple of weeks ago i turned my phone display accommodations into black/white scheme and something clicked in me. it made me realize the huge difference between the real world and the artificial one that happens in our phone. and both worlds - even though it might feel like it - are absolutely not the same. it made me think a lot and it made me realize a huge difference in general. i spend way less time with my phone and i clearly see the line between both worlds. it’s not that i didn’t see the difference but i felt literally being sucked into my phone and this completely stopped. and seeing other people’s phones now i see how bright the colour scheme is and i always twitch slightly as i realize how blind i must have been before.

so here is my usual invite: if it resonated in you to change your phone settings then give it a try. the function is buried very deeply but you will find it if you google it.

apart from that the invite is to connect and feel a bit more. to listen with no intention to reply and to leave your phone out of focus for a couple of hours and have some fun again. engage. connect. thrive. laugh and enjoy. truly ask how people are doing and what is going on their life. what they are passionate about etc. you might learn some beautiful facts and truly will you feel how great that feels in you. leave being superficial at the door and dive deeper into who you surround yourself with. it might change your perspective but i promise the change will be good.

thank you for reading until this point, means the world to me..

much love, K

logbook// 27th of january 2019 on #lowestcommondenominator

hello lovely world people out there, decided to finally start writing little stories, honest stories, stories i go on and on about in my head and sometimes stories that i don’t have an answer to.. hope you like reading it and get a bit of a spin for your own day by day// life story

#lowestcommondenominator

back here with a little story.. and i start with a quote that is one of the most powerful ones for me: “how you do anything is how you do everything..”

it has such a power once you start thinking how much truth lies in it.. i observe that effect in everyday’s life a lot. it is always small things that magnify their impact on a larger scale. let me give you a few examples: i used to rush brushing my teeth in the morning and barely made it to persist in that procedure for 2 minutes. that was a perfect example of how my whole past life was: i was rushing, always felt like i miss out on so many things and life felt passing by like a fast train. i couldn’t find a way of being the master of my time and it made me feel so miserable. i constantly felt that days, months, years passed by in a blink of an eye and i was never able to catch upon on what i was missing out. don’t get me wrong it’s not that i am saying that if you start to brush your teeth for at least 2 minutes, miracles will happen along the way. but for me my attitude and perception of how the pace of life is, did change eventually. something shifts when you start to pay attention to how you do small things. nowadays i brush my teeth for 3 minutes and so do i take and have time for many other things..

it can by any kind of behaviour on a small scale that radiates itself out through your whole life. if your mind is scattered, so is usually your whole life. if you are careless and sloppy with the things you own, you won’t be taking good care of anything. if you are always late, it’s mainly because you do not take the effort to wake up 15 minutes earlier and plan the day ahead of time but snooze ultimately instead. if you do not take care of yourself, you will not be able to take care of others. if you do not eat well and treat your body like a sanctuary, you will never be able to be sharp, focused and at your best performance. if you allow toxic people in your life, also you will radiate and attract toxicity. and if you do not go slow and stop now and then, you will never be able to live in the now and focus on what your direction in life is. it is all a karma cycle that radiates it’s consequence on a larger scale.

i know it sounds pretty simple but i believe the biggest secret and formula lies in the smallest things. if you do those the way you want your life to happen, your whole life will line up according to this pattern. whatever you do - and here is the formula - with ATTENTION, INTENTION, FOCUS and CARE will turn out just right. you need to pay attention for the small things and all of a sudden the big ones start to fall into place. if you take care of yourself and see the added-value in the concept of self-love you will care for others and make a difference in their lives. the small things become an epitome of a greater picture and without any big effort you will realize that your life is changing..

i invite you to try, i invite you to pay attention, be in the now and take a close look with a pure and modest beginner’s mind on how you do the small things - each and one of them - and decide consciously if a change is needed.. and then observe the effect that radiates out according to this scheme.

live life intentionally. pay attention to everything that is important to you, focus on how you do daily tasks. care for you and your loved ones. life will follow..

thank you for reading until this point, means the world to me..

much love, K

logbook// 16th of january 2019 on #flawless

hello lovely world people out there, decided to finally start writing little stories, honest stories, stories i go on and on about in my head and sometimes stories that i don’t have an answer to.. hope you like reading it and get a bit of a spin for your own day by day// life story

#flawless

back here with a little story.. if you think i am gonna write about how flawless i am.. nope this is not gonna happen ;-) simply because i am not flawless at all. i believe no one is. but we all pretend. some of us more. some of us less. we try to be someone instead of just being who we are. oscar wilde said once: “most people are other people” and that quote has so much truth in it.. for so many manifold reasons we try to be a different version of us. the point is: what seems to be so intriguing about this version? and why do we constantly try to live against a version of us that is somewhat not us?

oh well, you can tell that i’ve been there and have gone through that process, right? and you are so damn right! it took me lots of time to realize this enlightenment in my life. but let me explain the other side first: where i believe striving for a different/ better you is good and healthy.

seeking daily to be a better version by waking up early, exercising, working out, learning new things and growing intellectually is very important. occasionally leaving your comfort zone and scaring yourself to death, too :-) this is what i do and i am sure this is a big part of my mindset embedding my eagerness and drive. i take cold showers, eat very healthy to maintain a good condition, never go to bed without having learned something new but apparently growing the chunk of happy-kid-mentality seems to have an equally important share. it truly seems to achieve a better version of you is an inside job. and by all means the result doesn’t mean to become flawless, it’s about becoming better. day.by.day.

simply because standing still means moving back. when you rest, you rust. so keep going.

what i don’t do on the other hand is comparing me to others, i seriously stopped aiming to reach an unrealistic body image or am jealous of what others have or achieved. i guess finding your own playground and defining your values is important in this process. it makes it easier to not look in a competitive way but see where you wanna be fully detached of others. it helps to focus on your own life goals and make them your biggest priority. comparing yourself to others doesn’t really add any value. not in the idea itself to learn features that someone has but in the idea to try to copy someone without checking in with you if this is really what YOU want.

i learned the last years that the people that really excite me are the ones with the most unusual stories, the ones that went through a lot of shit in life. the ones that despite every single setback, stood up again and took the lesson. not by trying harder, but by trying different. by not giving up. by licking their wounds and embracing their scars. i love that. it truly shows me that no one is flawless and that is the beauty of every individual. we all have beautiful stories to tell, we have so much that we can learn from each other. you just need to find your own space in life.

but somehow this world requires us to not speak about the setbacks. or is it us thinking that set backs are not adding any beauty to our personality? think about that.. is our society seriously only accepting instant perfection?

i think sharing true stories, sharing set backs and scars that life left you with, is a wonderful attitude.. this is what touches people at their core. this is what makes people connect through fragile and rare empathy. this is what makes us see that we are all build the same way. not by being perfect, but by being real. i am so blessed about all the people i met and every time i discover an imperfection, i get curious and dive deeper. i ask questions, i want to know the why and the how and most of all i want to know where the scars are coming from. i want to know what made people be the person they are. these are the most interesting stories..

so here comes my usual invite: don’t be afraid to show that side of you, try and you will see how much people will appreciate to see there is a deeper connection as a human by sharing the true you. be unflawless. be real.

thank you for reading until this point, means the world to me..

much love, K

logbook// 12th of january 2019 on #equilibrium

hello lovely world people out there, decided to finally start writing little stories, honest stories, stories i go on and on about in my head and sometimes stories that i don’t have an answer to.. hope you like reading it and get a bit of a spin for your own day by day// life story

#equilibrium

back here yo, with the little thought for today. very recently i saw a close friend and we had a couple of drinks and i had some tea intertwined to prevent me from getting drunk too quickly :-) and as i picked the first tea bag, he immediately pulled my leg because i said: oh this tea is so me because of the name ”intense and équilibré”. ok, so a) let’s not discuss further on the intense part :-) but b) look closer into the équilibré side of my mindset. just to mention this on an explanatory note: he knows me pretty well, and he exactly knows which strings to pull to tease me big time but it triggered the idea back into my mind to write about the importance of an equilibrium state of mind, so here we go!

i developed a liking for this anecdote about the chocolate cake and i think this one is gonna do a decent job in describing what i mean. but first let’s do some image-work: imagine yourself craving really badly for a delicious piece of chocolate cake, like big time. i mean mine is truly vegan but moist and made with dark chocolate and so mouth watering. are you with me? whatever your piece of cake is like, I guess you have an image in mind and that is what we need!

and then let’s go bit further on this image journey: so you get yourself a piece of this delight and because you didn’t have it in a while, you scoff it down. you do not enjoy it slowly. so after this first piece, you eventually go for another one because you just don’t feel fully satisfied. and once you start eating the second piece, you feel that it is just that bit too much of chocolate cake and by the end of it, you feel you overate big time. so the natural consequence is that you won’t have your chocolate cake for quite a while and what is way worse is that feeling that is the consequence of the overeating itself. it literally takes just too much space in your stomach for a while and you regret you had too much.. eventually you turn into something savoury the other day and do this mistake over and over again. the point i want to make is that we all quite often struggle to find just the right amount to be sane. we do the rollercoaster ride.

i truly believe this is a beautiful anecdote that transfers for so much in life and that is where the equilibrium comes in place: whatever you do, you have to find this tiny edge of having just the right amount of the things you truly love. funnily it’s a true allrounder anecdote that you can literally apply everywhere: it can be food, it can be alcohol or other addictive substances but also all kind of other forms of consumerism: shopping, tv shows, video games, you name it. any kind of something that might turn into an addiction.

but it can also be people. you have to find the right balance between spending as much time with your friends and acquaintances but at the same time pencil in some me-time in your agenda. honestly i think people undervalue how important that is and that makes many struggle. no one is perfect and we all struggle but i think it is crucial to find this healthy state of equilibrium in literally every place. it has - as so often - so much to do with “being in the now”, minimizing any distraction and truly enjoying the present moment. if you eat the cake, you have a glass of wine, you watch your fav series or you hang out with your closest ones. be present, be aware and truly enjoy it. eat small bites, take little sips, laugh out loud, listen carefully and be grateful for every little of those micro-moments. and don’t get me wrong: you may go all in from time to time with whatever you crave for and i bet you will but then enjoy it to the fullest. having 2 or even 3 pieces of chocolate cake is totally acceptable but be aware and listen to your body and mind to see how that feels.. by applying such consciousness to whatever yo do, i promise you will not be tempted to over-indulge on the chocolate cake or anything else in life :-)

and if you now feel like you need a piece of chocolate cake: i so feel you and no i am not sorry for awakening this desire in you :-) so go for it, just make sure you pick the most delicious one!

thank you for reading until this point, means the world to me..

much love, K

logbook// 8th of january 2019 on #idontknow

hello lovely world people out there, decided to finally start writing little stories, honest stories, stories i go on and on about in my head and sometimes stories that i don’t have an answer to.. hope you like reading it and get a bit of a spin for your own day by day// life story

#idontknow

life itself can be so airy and unpredictable if we just tinker along following it’s natural flow.. on the other hand it gets so complicated if we try to steer and correct the course life has in store for us. same happens as soon as we try to stick to things or people. i get both sides.. i’ve been trying to be the captain and i was somehow “successful” but not happy with who i was.. it took a while but eventually i learned to embrace the unknown, to float through life instead of trying to navigate myself. to trust your natural compass needle that knows your true north and believe that even after the darkest night and the heaviest storm, you will still be on course to the destination that is meant for you..

one of the learnings is that you have to let go of all that you “hold in your hands” which holds you back, to make sure your hands are free. it’s that kind of free-fall-feel that we need to develop. it’s this kind of confidence in life itself that we need. simply to let go, have faith and be openminded that whatever is, will be just right. by this natural approach you allow whatever is meant for you to come into your life and see if it is worthwhile staying..

unfortunately our lives become so busy by us trying to steer the direction we believe is right for us, that we sometimes simply forget the ease life has on its own.. we tell ourselves all those stories and we don’t make space for those little miracles that happen daily.. we focus too much on the wrong things, we keep us busy constantly, we force, we push, we run.. we oversee the little things, the little moments that make life beautiful.. we let them pass by and think they happen again another time but they won’t.

we.simply.miss.out.on.life.itself

those little miracles, acquaintances, sparks, beautiful words, unique feelings.. these are the true ones that make us feel alive..

i really invite you to be present, let go of all the small and big plans that you make all the time, just have faith, simply allow this feeling in you.. it will leave a little space for the unknown and will allow you to be more aware of the little miracles of everyday’s life..

thank you for reading until this point, means the world to me..

much love, K

logbook// 26th of december 2018 on #youcantfillthevoid

hello lovely world people out there, decided to finally start writing little stories, honest stories, stories i go on and on about in my head and sometimes stories that i don’t have an answer to.. hope you like reading it and get a bit of a spin for your own day by day// life story

#youcantfillthevoid

..you need to realize that there is nothing that will make you happy that you don’t already have within..

simple to say. not easy to live. for most of us it seems much easier to always be surrounded by some sort of distraction or noise. keeping ourself busy, keeps us from listening to what is on the inside. actually to listen to what is really important. instead of making time and space to reflect about us in the quietness and non-distraction of our mind we keep us busy constantly. well, i believe we do that to avoid thinking if we are really happy with who we are. simply us, not the things we own, not the person we appear to be.

..just the human being we are when we let go of everything we think we are..

i can’t stop thinking about it. isn’t it exciting to find out who we are without all the covers and layers that we attach to our personalities along the years? isn’t it just enough to be the true person we are? find out your bare minimum? your true USP? do we need to add and mimic several layers of personality instead of just being who we are? what are we afraid of? are we afraid of the emptiness and shallowness that we might discover? eventually..

i learned that by letting go of all that we gathered around us, we might find a simple version of ourselves. i believe this is the version we should nourish and love the most. if we are not happy on this level we will not find happiness by adding more and more layers. and end up needing more and more and more without finding what you’re looking for..

i believe you can find true happiness in you, mostly in all the places you are afraid to look. all the places of your personality that might seem boring and not exciting enough in this world. they are what makes you a human being. nurture that. chase that. expose that. we all should be more who we truly are instead of who believe we should be. let go. and be. be the person you are instead of who you think you should be. trust me, there is much beauty in that.

thank you for reading until this point, means the world to me..

much love, K

logbook// 4th of november 2018 on #followyourpassion

hello lovely world people out there, decided to finally start writing little stories, honest stories, stories i go on and on about in my head and sometimes stories that i don’t have an answer to.. hope you like reading it and get a bit of a spin for your own day by day// life story

#followyourpassion

deep deep inside of you: what are you craving for? what makes you feel alive? what is it that creates this tingling feeling in you? we all have a passion or even few in us but not many of us really follow them down the rabbit holes. it starts during childhood when we discover things that we love but usually get guided away from them once asked what we want to be when we grow up. it feels like what we want to be as a child cannot comply and grow on us until we become an adult. as soon as we truly say what we want adults are like: nah this is not what you will be able to make a living with.. why is that? i mean if we truly stay with our passion and improve our skills from an early age, we can not only be good at it but become truly brilliant. but somehow adults always try to put things into a grown-up-we-know-better-perspective. i mean i get it that possibly wanting to be a cowboy won’t make a living but being an astronaut might do, no? we should all be more playful and less judgemental. we should allow the kid in us to shine, tinker and wander the path of life. we should all see less why things won’t work and think more in options how things could work. we should let our adult experience aside and just play. only if we are not afraid of trying and failing we can find what we truly love instead of what is just ok. and that is what life is about.

i believe we all have so many no’s in us that keep us back from doing things we truly love. that keep us back from even trying. that keep us back from truly living this life. we keep telling ourselves excuses why we cannot do things and at some point we start to believe them. we start to limit ourselves. we start to turn our excuses into reality. we become comfortable and just tell us that even if we try we won’t compete so actually why bother. and that is how life goes on. that is what an average life looks like. and to me this seems to be the tipping point of becoming an adult. i decided this is not what i want. not necessarily to become an adult is what bothers me but to shift my perspective in this direction :-)

i believe that math is simple: instead of thinking why not you could just kick your ass a bit more and try. forget for a second about all those annoying no’s flying around here. i am pretty sure there will be this little bit that is a chance you might just do it and eventually succeed. the point is: not many go this extra mile. not many decide that it is worth trying. so you might end up very lonely on this path of yours. but as soon as you head on this road and follow the things you love and the things that seem impossible in first place, you will discover there is so much beauty on this scenic route in life. and that is where passion starts. that is where you get into a flow. into your flow.

i believe we should all put the question marks aside, be a bit less grown up, question less. and just try. in this little strip lies a big risk and a much bigger chance. to find a passion, to find out who you truly are. to find something that brings you into a flow. something that you love but were always much too afraid to try. something that might seem not realistic, possibly because no one tried before. try to not think about the “no’s” for a moment and just float. think what it could mean for you to just try living the possibilities that are there for you. regardless of what others will judge you and regardless if that seem to be the right thing out of a realistic perspective.

just do, just follow your passion. no matter what. do it for you. ONLY for you. nothing else matters. others will judge you anyway. but you know what? they don’t need to live your life so why bother. would you like to live theirs? i believe no. so go and find what sets your soul on fire.

thank you for reading until this point, means the world to me..

much love, K

logbook// 11th of october 2018 on #discernthebeautyoflife

hello lovely world people out there, decided to finally start writing little stories, honest stories, stories i go on and on about in my head and sometimes stories that i don’t have an answer to.. hope you like reading it and get a bit of a spin for your own day by day// life story

#discernthebeautyoflife

yes, here i am again. still alive. still broken. still lost. aren't we all?

aren't we all looking for this special sparkle in life? this special something that gives our life a meaning? i believe we all do.. always on the hunt, always on the go.. if this moment comes we don’t want to miss it right? but you know what? there is no thing that you will find one day.. it won't happen over night, neither outside of you anyway. you have to start within you first.. fix yourself first. start to be grateful for every little moment, every little day. enjoy and appreciate the little things. spend time alone. surround yourself with plus people. those who give you something that makes you feel alive. as soon as you truly start to embrace and live this strategy you will feel alive again. you will feel yourself again. and as soon as you see there is beauty everywhere, you will close your circle and you will not loose this inner happiness again. having a bad day is a natural part of life and it doesn't mean you have a bad life. nope babe. it means that you accept that as a part of the whole. but you also start to work daily on expanding this little but solid chunk of happiness in you. and only by doing this you discover growth. and it becomes a habit. and out of nothing this becomes your special little sparkle in life. day by day.

i learned happiness is only 10% genetics and 90% what we make out of it. this is all i need to say: you are your captain, you decide how you face all the things that life throws at you. and yes, i agree sometimes life throws whole lot of shit at you. take it, accept it, try to understand the lesson. even this will pass. after each night the sun rises again. after each heavy storm the clouds disappear. and those moments show us that it is worth holding on to see what is coming next. and always seeing the silver lining in every “bad” moment..

having faith of the unknown is what keeps me going, day by day. i have no clue where this journey goes but i just enjoy what there is. small conversations, throwing a big smile at a stranger, saying thank you and truly appreciate.. and the little happiness starts to multiply exponentially.. we have all only little power but this little power can become a super power when used right. everything we do is just a little piece of the big puzzle in our life so why not discerning to find the hidden treasures, the little sparkles, the little beauty in every moment? keep going, keep fighting, keep believing and most important never give up living this momentum. because it will get you to your personal outlook of happiness.

your life is what you make out of it. stop complaining. start creating, start living by example. start being grateful for the very little things.

thank you for reading until this point, means the world to me..

much love, K

logbook// 11th of october 2018 on #whatsnormalanyway

hello lovely world people out there, decided to finally start writing little stories, honest stories, stories i go on and on about in my head and sometimes stories that i don’t have an answer to.. hope you like reading it and get a bit of a spin for your own day by day// life story

#whatsnormalanyway

here i am again. still not living the life my parents would want me to. still not living the life my grandparents would have wished for me. still being the black sheep in a way. but somehow i am okay with what my life is like. because i still don’t know one good reason to live according to what others expect of me! could that ever be what we truly want? aren’t we all still figuring out what life is about for each one of us? what is a so called normal life anyway?

we all try to label everything in life, try to put things into boxes, give it names, give it feelings. but is that what we really need? i guess we should just start to live and enjoy what there is. no matter what other people think and fully disregarding other people’s opinions. who the hell sets a bar and dictates how you should live your life apart from yourself? i mean, i surely was there, have done that for many years.. i was living totally according to how my life should be. having proper relationships, working hard on building a career and most of all trying to make it right for everyone. living up to expectations. the only thing i forgot and lost on the way was being myself. because it seems i was the only one not being happy. i felt lived by the circumstances. i felt lived by trying to create the life people expected me to live.

i get that our grandparents grew up in a different generational mindset which makes it complicated for us to understand what they find important compared to our values and vice versa. but only because their values are different it doesn’t mean that i need to live them too. actually it is the opposite. how should their values fit into nowadays life? it is impossible. so consequently i will not be able to live according to their expectations. if for a woman the biggest “achievement” was to find a husband and build a family this is not what many woman would call their no.1 goal.

women nowadays have a different perspective and look for independence, pursuing their own dreams and defining life on their own terms. if i speak to my grandmother about that she finds this being a self-chosen hard and difficult state of mind. she believes that having a man makes things so much easier :-) i would say sometimes that is true, sometimes that is not :-)

thinking about settling down and having a family scares the shit out of me right now.. i know i shouldn’t be saying that in my age (ha, expectations again :-) it just doesn’t feel right for me right now. possibly because i feel like i missed out on something the last years building a career and forgetting to live a life. or maybe there is a bit of world that i need to see first.

whatever the reasons are for you to feel that you want to live a different life than the expectations around you, pls do it! it will never make you happy and content to make it right for others. this is not their life but it is your life and as long as you try to live your life according to their version it will not feel right. it will not be right. and it will not suit you right. and the most important it will never give you the happiness that you are looking for. only when you let go of all of it (and yes it might mean that you also loose some friends and relatives) you will discover there is a very beautiful version that you define yourself. and you will realize that this life feels very right to you.. because it is the life you choose on your own terms..

people will judge, most though will stop when they discover that you are resilient and keep going with what you do. some will always know better, but even for those i have the ultimate question: what’s normal anyway? if someone is out there having a catalogue of what life should be at every age and stage, pls raise your hand. pls enlighten all of us. i don’t think there is a cookie cutter version that would fit more than one individual on this planet. and this makes it really beautiful. we all are empowered to shape the life we want to live.

so take your time to listen deep inside what your version of life is. completely disregarding what others recommend and find right for you. if it means you want a family, then you know what you are looking for. if you feel travelling and getting lost is what you crave for, then go and get it. the time will never be better to pursue your dreams and live the life that feels right for you. i wish you luck and persistence but also patience to never loose sight of what your desire is. keep going, keep crawling, keep moving. every tiny little step is one step closer to what makes your heart beat faster and makes you feel alive.

thank you for reading until this point, means the world to me..

much love, K

logbook// 29th of august 2018 on #mirrorwriting

hello lovely world people out there, decided to finally start writing little stories, honest stories, stories i go on and on about in my head and sometimes stories that i don’t have an answer to.. hope you like reading it and get a bit of a spin for your own day by day// life story

#mirrorwriting

happiness and sadness, light and darkness, joy and tears.. so often we do not realize that opposites in life can only exist and being enjoyed by seeing both sides of the story.. often we only see the positive in life and struggle to see the hidden beauty in dark moments. nowadays i believe the dark ones are crucial to see the light and happiness.. but it was a long journey to get there..

only by accepting the dark and sad moments we are able to enjoy the light and happiness to the fullest. i experience it very often to have very happy days but also to fall into a dark cave afterwards. it kind of goes hand in hand. but once you learn to surrender and enjoy the darkness as a natural part of you, you become more content at enjoying the good moments. "light is darkness" and same is "darkness is light" in mirrorwriting. often we oversee this simple, yet so powerful fact. and in my opinion this is the beauty to life. fully free-falling into everything life has in store for us. only by learning to embrace the aloneness we start to enjoy company. we need me-time and so do we need people around us. we need a dark and heavy storm to see the beauty of sunlight on a sunny day and vice versa. by accepting the power to it, we start to see the bigger picture in life. we start to embrace those "negatives" as an evident moment and a major psrt of the bigger picture.

i myself love to spend time with people. people that inspire, intellectually attract and galvanize me but i also know how much alone time i need to process and digest that experience. and it is even more that is important about alone time: we all need the alone times to store every experience properly in our brain, to give it time, settle and linger is a major key to process all learned and enable to put things in the right box.

remember when you have been bored as a kid? it happened very often to me and i enjoyed it a lot. just time with me, no agenda, just be. this simple fact made it possible to process all experience into a proper piece of your mindset. nowadays we think slow-down-time is something wrong so we try to keep us busy by all means and aim to simply never be "bored". think twice - this is what we all need. we are not able to take in constantly without pressing the pause button for a moment. this is a major key to properly store, reflect and consequently learn from every experience.

try to make time for you, to just be with you, to simply BE, enjoy and linger, do not have an agenda, just float through life, tinker and wander.. only by accepting those down times you will be able to peak high and take off and live life to the fullest. if you do not accept and respect your natural down times, you will stay shallow and will not be able to get into the flow. the fly high zone is only for those who learn to fly low, dark, dirty and look their demon of darkness into the eye. there is much to learn in this zone even though most of us don't feel comfortable to be there. it feels dangerous, dark and like something we want to refuse in first place. but it is a natural part of all of us. some of us might have a smaller or bigger dark side but once we start to see it, it becomes bit more controllable, a bit more of a shape and a bit more of a human part of us. there is nothing wrong about darkness in us, we simply all have it. but as soon as we start to deal with it, we become the one in charge, not necessarily always but more and more often. we practice and learn to control both sides, we learn to be in the flow with both of our faces. only by accepting that one cannot exist without the other, we tap into a whole new side of us, a person we probably never met before.. the me we never knew. that is a natural part of us, that me that is pure darkness but yet so beautiful. it is a me we cannot refuse. and we start to embrace and enjoy this dark beast, this ugly demon. but also the dark and ugly has it's charm and beauty.. sometimes you just need to take a closer look and spend some time with it to eventually see the true beauty at second sight. be brave, be strong, try and try again, be sure that it is something that will feel familiar because it is a natural part of us.

do me a favour: enjoy everything that life throws at you, even though it doesn't make sense in this moment, just surrender and accept. life sometimes needs time to make it clear for you, to let you understand. you can only connect dots backwards. but by simply accepting, we show openmindedness and we become free. the will to simply be, show patience and accept is a big lesson. everything that happens to us is a lesson - you simply never loose, you always learn. this is the only way to see beauty even if there seems to be none. to see a bigger picture even if there seems to be none in that moment. the journey and consequently all the little moments make life beautiful. 

that fact changed my mindset a lot and i don't constantly look for answers, because sometimes there is simply a question. and a feel. and an intuition that makes you follow SOMETHING. and in that moment you have no clue what it is gonna be.. just surrender. accept the good and the bad, and especially the ugly.. fully accept the whole spectrum life has in store. you will see the depth and altitude to life. and eventually the answer will show at a later stage. but in the end you learn to see both sides of the story and enjoy one while enjoying the other. this makes life so much more beautiful.

thank you for reading until this point, means the world to me..

much love, K

logbook// 21st of august 2018 on #mysteryoflife

hello lovely world people out there, decided to finally start writing little stories, honest stories, stories i go on and on about in my head and sometimes stories that i don’t have an answer to.. hope you like reading it and get a bit of a spin for your own day by day// life story

#mysteryoflife

here i am with another little story that makes me think a lot. it is how most of us try to create, pre-plan and pre-define a roadmap in life. disregarding that we have so little influence on what is kind of THE plan for our life. the only thing we know is that we basically know nothing is what i learned. and the more we try to bend life into a shape we want, the more life snaps back and gives us all kind of curveballs to handle. we have little control and that little means how we react onto the things that life throws at us. and basically our reaction upon what happens seems to be the key. my experience showed the less expectations we have, the better. the more openminded we become, the more beauty will unfold in each turn. each and every crossroad becomes exciting and we become willing to face what there is.

and in the end there seems to be a bigger pattern behind. so let me dive deeper into what i experienced: whatever you have in mind and plan to go after, doesn't really happen in life. actually the more we plan out what we want in life, the less it happens. at least this is how life unfolds for me. as soon as i start to plan, i realize how i get carried away by the waves of life. it took me long time to discover and embrace the beauty of this matter of fact. in the past i tried hard to have life happening according to the idea in my head. everything that happened was mirrored against the plan i had in my head. the problem with this mindset was, that i was constantly unhappy with the status quo. but why? because absolutely nothing happened as i wanted it to. it took quite some time to surrender and accept this fact and the hidden beauty that comes with it. but today i like the mindset to swim with the wave of life very much. only by being able to maintain a non-expectation-driven mindset it is possible to see what life has in store for me. and even better to see the hidden treasure to it. of course you can steer here and there a bit but in the end it all falls into place according to a bigger plan that is meant for all of us. may it be destiny on one hand or fate, fortune, luck or chance on the other, in the end we can do little to influence. but we can influence how we react upon what is happening.

so here is the option portfolio: the choice we have is either to hold onto the past and try to hold onto something that is not there anymore or to embrace what might be. whenever you find yourself at a threshold of life, you can decide to either fight the new door that is opening or simply surrender to what may come. the only difference is the longer we try to maintain a status quo that is not there anymore, the more we twist and turn and fight against the new. and in the end the new will come your way anyway. so the longer you resist and try to stay in a threshold, the more difficult it becomes because a threshold is not a place to be.

it is not an easy thing to accept indeed. i was living a lot in the past in my life. so often was i holding onto something. believing that this is it. sticking to a picture in my head that was not there anymore. painting this romantic idea in my head of something that simply wasn't there anymore. i tried to keep telling myself that i don't want to enter the new door. that i simply want to stay in the old door just a little bit longer. i learned hard that riding a dead horse is not a solution to go. i learned whatever change in life is thrown at us and however that feels in first place and possibly might make you feel anxious, the only way to deal with it is to SIMPLY.SAY.YES. EMBRACE.THE.NEW. whatever is there, you will take out a big learning and see that living in the moment is the only way to live and enjoy life. YOU.CANNOT.RESIST - YOU.HAVE.TO.SURRENDER.

from time to time i did also the opposite: i tried to live in the future. i thought maybe this might do it for me, painting scenarios in my head that never came into reality. and the only feeling i was left with was disappointment of how far of from this "ideal" scenario life took me facing the future. the stronger i tried to hold on, the more life ripped this picture and me apart. the more i tried to have life playing according to my rules, the more life threw the most ridiculous things at me.  

i myself definitely believe in a higher power, in a greater good and that the universe has things in place for every one of us. and that the options and surprises are endless. however, when those things happen i become very humble. and simply wonder. there are things and people that you meet in life and you know that the chance to meet them is statistically very close to zero if not impossible. but all of a sudden they are just there. and all of a sudden something small changes in you. and sometimes it happens so quickly that we feel fully overwhelmed by the intensity of those encounters. but this is how life goes, this is how the waves of life evolve. and even if you didn't ask for them, they become connected in you. they simply are on the same wavelength. and possibly you feel like you knew them forever without really knowing them.. this is one of the examples how surprisingly life can be.. and usually there are three reasons why they appear. either they step into your life for a reason which means to teach you a lesson or give you a little spin in the right direction. the second option is a season so it means they might stay with you for a period of time. and the third option is they are meant for a lifetime which is self explaining i believe. it is good whenever that happens to see the possibilities and if they are meant for a shorter period to also let go if they don't want to stay with you. there is always a reason for that and sometimes it is ok not to know but just accept that fact and take the lesson..

life plays the way life wants to play with you. we try to believe that we have the power to go through life according to what we have in mind. let me tell you one thing: this is not what happens in 99% of the cases. so surrender, accept, enjoy, see the beauty in it and enjoy the moment. smile at all those coincidences of life, all the mystery that our life has in store for you. as soon as you loose expectations, life becomes light, airy, unexpected and beautiful. and you start to live instead of being lived. i did that for many years, i allowed to be lived by life and circumstances instead of swimming with the surge of life. let me give you that advice to realize this life lesson soon enough to enjoy and indulge instead of fighting what might come. we have surely some control but in the end we have very little. it can be over tomorrow but when you live every day to the fullest, you enjoy enough to not regret if something bad happens. life is beautiful. EVERY.DAY.EVERY.MOMENT.EVERY.LITTLE.THING and once you start to see those little things, you turn into a happy kid that simply enjoys every rollercoaster ride.

thank you for reading until this point, means the world to me..

much love, K

logbook// 11th of august 2018 on #faceyourdemons

hello lovely world people out there, decided to finally start writing little stories, honest stories, stories i go on and on about in my head and sometimes stories that i don’t have an answer to.. hope you like reading it and get a bit of a spin for your own day by day// life story

#faceyourdemons

it feels like forever since my last logbook but to be honest i did some real logbooking last weekend. i went on a sailing trip, doing my first sailing licence. man, that was mental, but a pretty good kind of mental experience. one of those moments in life where you know you will not be the same person afterwards. i kind of always was day dreamin about sailing but never really believed i could do it. it felt like it was for other people but not for me. and all of a sudden i just did. i simply grabbed the chance in life. it was a big chunk of a chance and it left a big beauty mark on me. a sea mark. there was scurf and a mermaid stamp on my skin. it transformed me. and it was not difficult at all looking backwards. but let me tell you the full story:

i was always scared of water, learned swimming at a late age and thereof was not really feeling at ease in water as soon as i couldn't feel the ground under my feet. to know there is the unknown, made me freak out. it really did. i looked up to those people that just went for a swim in the ocean, that were diving, doing all kind of water sports and i could see how much happiness there was on their faces. but i, i didn't even dare to try. i was afraid and kept telling myself this is not for me. but somehow something in me didn't want to accept this shitty piece of an excuse.

more or less 2 years ago, i decided to do my diving licence. i thought i just can't leave it be. it was a spontaneous reaction, one of those where you don't realize the consequences of your assignment in that moment. but you do after and so did i. and in order to keep my cool i just kept telling myself that i simply want to try whatever it may cost. i felt i need to conquer the sea and at the same time face this massive piece of anxiety in me. that was a tough experience and to be honest i didn't want to believe i would master it. the fear left me paralyzed and even my instructor told me afterwards that she hardly believed i would manage to do that. but i did. and i did the advanced diving licence right away on the next day. but let me tell first how i got to this point and faced this demon of anxiety in me.

it was in Thailand during vacation that i decided i would give it a try. i was f*cking scared and already practicing in the pool with all the equipment made me freak out and hyperventilate most of the time. to simply feel my head under the water surface was one of my biggest fears. the possibility of drowning and the fact of being depending on that bottle on your back scared the shit out of me. just being aware that the bottle is the only way i can survive underneath the water surface made it even worse. and realizing that if you panic you cannot simply dive up but have to find a solution on the spot made me think this is going to be insane. because usually whenever there was danger in life, i knew i could escape. but not here. that was intense. that was mad. that was sick and scary as hell. but there was a little sparkle in it that kept calling my name..

and as i am a little piece of a cool kid and like to play with fire from time to time i couldn't let the idea go off me. i felt the danger but so did i feel the curiosity of what it would feel like. so i simply started. and of course it went horrible in first place. the exercises were a pain in the ass and i was stiff as a dead body. good circumstances to do such an adventure. i got to a point where i felt more and more miserable but something in me couldn't take the endless excuses anymore so somehow i kept kicking my ass to keep moving. every time we went out on the boat and jumped into the water i panicked, used my air by far the quickest and was just happy to be simply still alive after each dive. i was shaking, i was shivering but something in my head kept telling me i cannot stop. it was one of those moments in life where i knew there is no option to fail. this is thone of the crossroads i need to decide which way to go. either the comfort zone way and just give up or the scenic route that might be dangerous but at the end far more rewarding. probably you think now what a crazy woman i am.. well i am indeed :-) it happens just occassionally but i can be a crazy kind. so here i was and this whole thing became an internal fight that kept going on inside of me. i kept pushing because i didn't want to surrender to this big demon in me, i felt i eventually might conquer it if i try hard enough and if i stay strong. so i kept going.

and apparently this magical day came. i remember the feeling like it happened yesterday. i was standing on the boat, as usual shivering and holding onto all of my equipment. not wanting to jump. full of fear and doubts. but this time i did something different: i looked at the beauty of the sea underneath my feet and i realized that i want to exploit the endless unknown of it. that i just don't want to miss out on this experience. just only because of the fear in my head. and that actually this is really what i want deep inside of me. and all of a sudden i looked the demon in the eye. eye level on eye level. i could for the first time see the demon struggling with my attitude. because this time i wasn't scared - hell no - i was aware of the danger but i felt my strength growing. i felt if i want to fight that demon i need to stay humble, aware of the risk but firm on the other hand. if i want this demon to go away i need to face my fear and deal with it. hiding my whole life and running away is not doing the job and is not my mindset at all.

and for the very first time a smile rushed upon my face and the sky cleared up. i could see the width of the horizon. all the endless possibilities. i was at peace with my mind. i was at ease and everything fell into place. just in a split second. snap. just like that. 

i will never forget this moment that left such a mark on me. all of a sudden it became easy to deal with that demon. i tamed the demon. i dwarfed it into a manageable and proper size that fitted into a box. i stopped feeding it with all of my fears. and at the same time i found a new piece of me. a strong and fearless piece of a woman. an independent kind. one that lives her life by her own rules. one that goes after the things she wants in life. one that doesn't hesitate and struggles. and runs away as soon as a difficulties come along her way. i said hello to this shiny new piece of me. and this piece melted so naturally into the me i always was.

from that moment, it started to be so much fun to dive and explore the beauty of the sea. i realized basically there is another planet hidden underneath the water surface and i swore to myself that i will never let my fear stop me from doing anything ever again. i decided to live life to the fullest. don't get me wrong, i still procrastinate many things that scare the shit out of me but as soon i tap into that trap i look back into that moment where i just conquered what didn't serve me anymore and face the struggle out of this perspective.

after this experience i started to do many things that i was scared of, i went on my motorbike way more often and i love to see this monster of a motorbike grow on me. and when i perform an occasional reality check and look at me outside of me, i feel this is the woman i truly want to be. independent. strong. fierce. powerful. alive. joyful and beautiful. happy, curious and grateful to have the chance to explore what life may have in store for her.

so and as this adventure and experience didn't let go off me, i went on this sailing trip last weekend to finally feel even more like conquering this deep blue sea that i was so scared of. it was really life changing and it gave me an additional piece to the puzzle. the life puzzle of a woman i am consciously creating. the woman i really like when i look her in the eye. she is the kind of woman i always wished to be. the one that don't let her be stopped by fear or any demon power. the one that kicks her ass big time if she thinks she is unable to accomplish something.

i can only recommend to you to chase after THAT version of yourself. EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. the person you are outside of your comfort zone, the only thing that is sure about that, is that you WON'T.REGRET.IT. it will make you fall, stand back up again and grow and it will leave you different, exchanged, energized and fierce to live life to the fulliest.

WRITE AND LIVE YOUR LIFE STORY, don't let someone else live the life you want.

thank you for reading until this point, means the world to me..

much love, K

 

logbook// 1st of august 2018 on #hungerforlife

hello lovely world people out there, decided to finally start writing little stories, honest stories, stories i go on and on about in my head and sometimes stories that i don’t have an answer to.. hope you like reading it and get a bit of a spin for your own day by day// life story

#hungerforlife

new month. new beginning. new page. new start. technically this is what it feels but to be honest we need to learn to not only use those "optical" beginnings like the 1st of a month to start with something new.

it seems that we put up a line-up of excuses to not start living the life we desire at any day given. the only prerequisite needed shall be that the day you pick, is called TODAY.

keeping that in mind living life to the fullest doesn't mean that we need to do extra-ordinary and again try to fake a perfect life. no, don't get me wrong. it simply means we should stop watching the boats passing by, the time running out, our life goals expiring. and thus only by telling us that the day we start a fully new life is going to be tomorrow. if we simply don't grab the chances by the balls just as they come along, usually not in  a particular and desired order, we will not have a meaningful life. we will realize at some point that things don't come back. everything that happens, happens once. and once you stand on a threshold and decide for which door you choose, this is it. you can't go further on option A and then decide you actually preferred version B at a later stage. those repetitive choice moments usually happen only once in life, second chances are rare. and this is how our individual path in life evolves. every crossroad and threshold asks us for a conscious decision where we want to go. and where we want to head to. and we decide. we are the captain. the driver. the operator of our life roller coaster. but the difficulty is if we only sit and watch life happening, we do not take an active part to contribute and choose where we want to be. we do not live, we become lived by the circumstances.

so let me tell you: choose wisely. be cautious. stay hungry. be bold. be humble. be you.

whatever it is: go for the little and big chances in life and grab them with both hands. embrace them, even though sometimes they are not clear yet. and possibly without knowing what their consequences will be. no matter how easily they try to slip out of your hands. no matter how belittle they seem. no matter how vague they feel at a certain moment. no matter how difficult they are to be tamed because you possibly miss the skillset. as soon as you have this tingling feel in your belly, just go and grab your destiny. write your own life story.

because if you keep the what i call a "passive-sushi-train-mentality" you will not get far. you sit in front of the sushi train and every time your favorite plate passes by, you do not make the effort to grab it. you do not reach out to get hold of it. and at some point you just go give up hunting the rare and raw choices. and you do the opposite: you start going for the mainstream choices, the ones that are plenty in availability. the ones that are available 24/7. the easy ones. the ones that don't ask for lot effort. yeah they are easy, but man they are boring..

you will see the boats sailing away and on the other hand you will see yourself going astray and loosing the focus for your life. as soon as we stand still, we move backwards is what i believe. we circle into our comfort zone and start to embrace the coziness to it. we start to tell us how nice it actually is. we start to maintain this by telling us how amazing that momentum is. and what kind of safe haven we built around us. how lovely this castle we live in, actually is. and how well we managed to furnish this place. the anchor drops deeper and deeper and suddenly we realize how unmovable we became.

i invite you to sit closer to the sushi train. first row. arms stretched out. to snatch when the chances are there. sometimes it might not be easy to get hold of it. most probably it will never be an easy one to accomplish. the point is: either you learn or you loose. but the chances to learn are so much bigger. they make you truly grow. and best news is your intuition knows the way. so let in this feeling and start to live according to your set of rules in life. don't try to be everybody's darling. don't try to fit. don't listen to everyone. not other's opinions pay your bills. you pay them yourself by being the real and hungry person that is longing for life. longing for those chances.

try. it will be worth it.

thank you for reading until this point, means the world to me..

much love, K

logbook// 28th of july 2018 on #beinghuman

hello lovely world people out there, decided to finally start writing little stories, honest stories, stories i go on and on about in my head and sometimes stories that i don’t have an answer to.. hope you like reading it and get a bit of a spin for your own day by day// life story

#beinghuman

here we go with essay number 13 (which is my lucky number actually so let’s put my expectation level up ;-) and dive into another topic that seems to become more and more important but so surpressed in this world. with all the perfection we surround ourselves most of the time it becomes difficult - by all means - almost impossible to be still human. the pure, raw, imperfect kind of human that comes along with all kind of flaws. but what actually holds us back from being that and why did that seem to become mission impossible nowadays?

let’s take a little journey and see how society and individual’s perception unfolded during the last couple of years. with all the social media hype came an urge to present yourself towards the outside world. we became a put-the-level-of-expectations-to-new-heights-NOW type of society. it became a duality of presenting yourself by making use of several filters that don’t comply with reality and as a consequence to mainly try living up to something that is not according to reality. we layer filters on our true self because with all the pressure it seems that presenting yourself the way you truly are, simply isn’t enough. we feel we need to top up on who we really are with layers and layers in order to live up to something we actually don’t own anymore. this „something“ became uncontrollable on it's own terms. there is actually no rule that dictates us what the norm is but it started to cultivate it’s own bad energy to make us strive for more and never be happy with status quo.

for sure there is one influence which is this external pressure -and that is one that shouldn’t be underestimated- dictated by several marketing gurus telling you how you should look like to feel happy. basically you should have a certain waist to hip ratio, a certain body size (please not much bigger than size zero right?), every salad you eat shall please serve to make you happy because it is bringing you closer to the perfect body you desperately need.

spending most of your private time in the gym is a given, drinking lots of water, eating healthy, sleeping proper hours etc is all part of the game. if you don’t live up to that, you fall through the cracks, right? i actually was that kind of person: always striving for the best version of me. spending years and years in the gym, running miles after miles and seeking out for the new super food that brings all the results overnight. eating healthy as shit, striving for the impossible to become possible -man was i unhappy- never did i come to a point where i said: „this is good.. and you are enough. K, you can relax and enjoy and have some indulgence..“ - abso-f*cking-lutely f*cking never. there was always this big lump in my throat indicating there is something missing to be the prefect version of myself. somehow it felt like the fear of missing out: i could always spend more time at the gym, eat healthier or less, buy more care product to see my skin glowing. never ever was i at a point to say stop, this is enough, you’re good as you are..

it needed almost 37 years to seriously dawn on me that what we see on billboards, in magazines and all print media is a type of perfection that doesn’t exist in real life. it is mostly fake, it is photoshopped and not according to reality. and seriously if you think that models are happy girls: trust me there are only very few who truly are. most are critized all the time for their flaws and imperfections and seeing an image of you on billboards or in magazines that is not according to reality must bring you down to your knees. realizing that even being a model is not good enough. and this mainly because people decide that re-engineering you and your pictures with a proper photoshop job makes you look better. man, what a sick world, huh?

i stopped that shit in my head a couple of months ago. i stopped spending my life in the gym, eating healthy shit 24/7 and facetuning my face on social media. actually i went a step further: i started to cherish every and each imperfection and recently leave every single grey hair on my head just grow and not getting rid of them anymore. i started to embrace every wrinkle and flaw on my body. every imperfection which shows that i lived for 37 years and the fact it all is a part of me is highly welcomed. a big part that i don’t want to erase. it would mean i erase a part of my personality. and now comes the best part: i went even further and consciously decided to „harm“ my body now and then :-)

i have my biblical consumption of alcohol and i smoke a cigarette now and then. and you know what? i really feel and see how i enjoy it. if i feel like i want to smoke a cigarette, eat some junk food or get wasted here and there, i bloody allow myself to do so. very simple rule to live by: "whatsoever, all in, no regrets". and you know what? it is so much fun to do it! i see myself smoking a cigarette and if i feel i want to eat chocolate for breakfast, i do that too. i found this natural faith and connection to my body again that keeps telling me what it needs. yeah, you might say there is not much nutritional value in chocolate for breakfast or a cigarette here and there but there is lots of happiness and rebellious joy in it. and when you truly enjoy that in the exact moment when it happens, you realize that your body doesn’t crave for that kind of stuff every day. actually the opposite happens and your body processes it as good as possible and accepts this little escapade and makes the crime scene look totally clean again.. taadaa.. you and your body become partners in crime and see the little short term damage as well as the long term joy to it.

this is my kind of *being human* story for today. this raw, ordinary, humble but at the same time risky, wicked type of a plot. the awareness of what perfection is and feels like but also the me that has the guts to occasionally off-road this type of mindset. it shows me that i am not perfect but it also makes me feel alive and accept that our flaws and imperfections are what defines us being a human. not the perfection, flawless image we want to pretend.

so here i go and invite you to take a moment and find your little guilty pleasure, your little backyard outside of the garden of eden. the type of bad influence things and people that make you feel alive. and even if you in first place might regret these little escapades, they will leave you recharged emotionally afterwards by leaving you flooded with pure joy and this little cheeky smile on your face before the regret situation hits in.

try and see, leave some space for the unknown, boldly and humble wander off-road, do something different than you did yesterday, take an ice cold shower, eat the really bad junk food, do not listen to your parents advice just now and then. ditch the gym, don’t photoshop or use a filter on your social media account. drink some liquor instead of water and send your productivity for a little vacation trip to the country called „try again tomorrow“. keep it homeopathic in first place and see how you can find your way in..

enjoy being a little rebel, because deep inside you are! maybe just occassionally. but don’t be afraid. you can tip toe in cold water first and still decide if you want to jump in head over heels or if you prefer to stay in with the toe only. you somehow realize that it is not that bad to go astray for a moment. because you still know the way back. but on the other hand also find little joy in regretting of what you did if you take it bit too far :-) a play of both sides mingling together will make you feel truly a-l-i-v-e again. it will make you feel human and this is one of my favorite trips ever.

thank you for reading until this point, means the world to me..

much love, K

logbook// 26th of july 2018 on #ordinarypeople

hello lovely world people out there, decided to finally start writing little stories, honest stories, stories i go on and on about in my head and sometimes stories that i don’t have an answer to.. hope you like reading it and get a bit of a spin for your own day by day// life story

#ordinarypeople

ordinary is something i kind of never wanted to be.. why actually? it felt so.. ordinary i guess :-) so the question is more what did feel wrong about being ordinary? why did it feel not worthy enough? today i don't know why i was thinking ordinary is not good but maybe because i shifted perspective and understand today how powerful ordinary can be. and probably it was because i felt i need to follow the crowd and strive for something special, something more than average, something amazing, something with the wow tag on it. average feels so like everybody else, right? but what is wrong about that? why do we actually compare us to everyone and try to rise above average and on the opposite dwarf ourselves all the time by comparison? i can't say i don't do but i do it way less nowadays. because i see the negative side to it. it usually leaves you feeling bad. just to give you a few examples: you feel not young enough, skinny enough, your body turns into not perfect at all. especially when you start to compare yourself against all kind of advertisement you feel like shit afterwards. and when you compare against people, you get to a point where all others have more, are more successful, are more whatever etc etc.

but let me tell you a really big secret to life: stop comparing and diminishing because we all are unique. and that is our true super power. each and every single individual has it and that has true beauty to it.

we are all unique, one of a kind and there is actually no one that is the same. think about it: this is really cool. i mean, somehow what comes with it is that we have plenty flaws too. but isn't that really lovely too? it adds even more uniqueness huh? i have plenty flaws too, to give you a few examples on my body: my legs are not perfect, i could spend more time at the gym etc and loosing 3kg would probably make me slide way more smoothly into my skinny jeans. but you know what? i really don't care about those secondary things in life anymore. even though it took many years to get there. especially working in fashion for the last 12 years and consequently being surrounded by the latest fashion as well as young girls mostly underweight didn't make that easier at all. it made me feel bad most of the time. i was criticizing me on a daily base. and was striving for something my body could never be. to stay with my example: i don't have skinny legs but they are muscular and i learned to embrace that. i don't have a thigh gap but hey, probably my body is just not having the disposition to be that. AND i like food way too much to go without and try to be that skinny. but when you see me on a bike, i need those legs and every single muscle so i can cycle like a pro :-)

same counts for what people think about me. i am open for feedback that people give me. i appreciate that a lot and listen and take in what they say. but you also have to accept that you can't be everybody's darling and that is ok too. so if i am not someone's cup of tea that is ok and i move on. you have to define your true essence at some point and close the circle. you keep changing but you have to keep the smallest denominator of your essence together and work from there. as soon as you are aware of that, it makes it easier to deal with the outside world. don't get me wrong: i take all the advice i can get and most of it made me reconsider who i was and made me the person i am today. and i am very grateful for every little piece of advice i got along the way. but it all added on this little piece called my essence.

but let's get back to ordinary and unique. actually ordinary is equal unique is what we learned so far, right? :-) once you get to a point where you do not diminish ordinary anymore, you realize that it is a good way to live your life. you calibrate your life scale in a new context. and by doing so, you become more lean back. you feel way more enough and you let go of striving for something bigger and bigger.

some of you might say at that point that being ordinary is equal to being lazy and not trying to reach the best version of yourself. i agree a bit and i don't agree at the same time. so let me explain my disagreement: i think being ordinary allows you take a step back and observe. it makes you step out of the happening and leaves you more aware of what is there. it seems accepting to be ordinary makes you become happier with less. it sets the zero-point into a new perspective. it adds a feeling of content and being enough with who you are. which at the same time doesn't mean that you stop taking care and striving for a better version of you. you just become more relaxed, you sit in the seat of an observer instead of trying to sit in the first row all the time but it doesn't change the ambitious side. it settles expectations and achievments into a new context.

i embrace ordinary more and more and i like to gallivant on this new zero-point of my life. it makes me feel alive, it makes me experience way more intense what is there and it allows life to surprise me from time to time with blowing off my mind. it can be all: things and/ or people. i like this moment of surprise, this turns that life takes and i like to stay curious by seeking out for more and i like to enjoy this simple yet powerful shift in my perspective.

i hope it might also give you little food for thoughts and awareness of how powerful and strong ordinary can be. enjoy life in its most ordinary form, it's absolutely worth it.

thank you for reading until this point, means the world to me..

much love, K

 

logbook// 23th of july 2018 on #lifegoals

logbook// 23th of july 2018 on #lifegoals

hello lovely world people out there, decided to finally start writing little stories, honest stories, stories i go on and on about in my head and sometimes stories that i don’t have an answer to.. hope you like reading it and get a bit of a spin for your own day by day// life story

#lifegoals

i keep thinking about so many things currently and one of the major important ones is to define your direction for life. the so called lifegoals..

this is actually the first topic i initially wanted to start writing essays about, but got really paralized writing down this caption. it took me almost 4 months to finally be able to write about it. it might sound really like a big impact to speak about lifegoals so let me explain what i mean by that.. everyone of us has a different imagination what a lifegoal means. mostly it sounds like a huge homework to deal with but this is not where i come from. the most important fact is to define something to start with if you don’t feel ready to make the full homework yet. well and maybe you might ask why defining lifegoals in first place seem of importance to me. so let’s discuss that shortly upfront.

i strongly believe you need a course to follow, because if you don't have one where do you go then in your life? i mean you can say you go with the flow and this is surely ok but there is a risk of waking up one day and being far off where you would like to be. you might have drifted away without realizing it.. and sometimes we are only able to realize how far away we got by having drifted really far.. seeing it that way i decided to define my lifegoals. not with a very detailed approach but a very simple one. so let me explain my methodology. it doesn’t need to be a big essay where everything is defined to the very last detail. i keep it simple: my lifegoals are my big 5 for life. it is just 5 key words that i defined for me that i try to follow every day. whatever i do, i always check with me if this is according to the direction i have in mind.

if i wouldn’t have this „northern light“, i would probably just go somewhere and might realize at some point that i am very off the track i want to follow in life. and to be honest i didn’t follow a particular direction for many years, it all somehow felt into place and i don’t mind today. but nowadays i know that i filled some years with partly wrong priorities and no impactful content. so at some point i decided to change that. i decided i need a clear direction to follow. it was not the easiest task to accomplish because of the simplicity and as we usually tend to make things very complicated i had my struggle to keep it very simple. especially when it comes to define something of this significant importance like your big 5 for life. so before you think now: omg, this will take forever, let me share my journey of getting there.

i started to think about it now and then in first place because it felt like a big chunk of work that was kind of overwhelming. so once i dived into that topic i told myself the big 5 are not set forever and will need a correction at some point anyway, even some might be replaced at some point. so i said to myself: no big deal little girl, just bounce off some ideas and see where it gets you.. realizing it is not set in stone made it easier to think about it in a more playful way. it took a couple of weeks in my head to come and go and spending some thoughts on it now and then. and as soon as you lower your expectations you eventually get there. so after the ideas went on in my head, i sat down and spend 15 minutes to write them down finally. and all of a sudden it just made sense.. it doesn’t mean they need to stay now for an x-amount of years but they give me guidance to follow what i want.

i believe in general simplicity is the key to a meaningful and good life and so do i believe that the big 5 are meant to be that too. in all this jungle of options and special offers we only can get lost when we don’t set a clear direction for us. there is always something waiting for you that seems to be the real deal. it’s either things that seem to be so indispensable even though you didn’t need them just a minute ago. and all of a sudden you feel like you need to own them immediately. on the other hand it can also be people, especially the new ones that we don’t know yet. especially with friends or in relationship we tend to swap for new as soon as something or someone is not giving you the attention you might expect. there is always a wanna-be-better offer just around the corner. there always will be one. new things and new people will always shine brighter until you look deeper and see there are also flaws and scars and challenges to deal with. so having a direction set makes you identify those special offers and look deeper if this is a good thing to go after. or if what you have in life is simply enough and just needs more attention and care.

but back to the big 5. one of mine is called „grow“ which can mean a lot. for me i look after growing in every direction. whatever i do, i try to learn, understand and educate myself as much as i can to grow in life. i like to learn new things and explore this life with my kid-like curiosity. it seems to be again so simple but asking that myself every day makes me realize what i do to grow. and if there are days i don’t, i take action and correct my course. it helps me to see clearly that all i do daily becomes a piece of the bigger picture. it gives me satisfaction to develop my mindset and expand my knowledge. this is one of my big 5 and i hope it makes sense to you..

the point is once you set a direction, you won’t go fully astray. you can always gallavant other ways but by all the beauty you see, you will return to the beauty you are looking for you.

in the beginning i mentioned i don’t want to sound dogmatic neither to keep it too black and white so let me show you an example for an exception too. from time to time, i do things that are not aligned with the usual healthy lifestyle i follow so those „adventures“ are not according to my plan. to be honest they are sometimes very far of the course and i am not proud of what i do when i leave the healthy track BUT i surely keep coming back to my direction after going astray. if i wouldn’t have this course set, i would probably follow this direction and not look well enough after me.

once you set the intention, things will start to align slowly, so if you feel like this might be something for you, give it a go. i am not saying it is easy but i am surely saying it is worth it. it is your life and once you set the destination you want to sail to, things start to magnetically turn into this direction too. all the energy gets a boost and it becomes effortless.

thank you for reading until this point, means the world to me..

much love, K

 

 

 

logbook// 19th of july 2018 on #interchangeable

hello lovely world people out there, decided to finally start writing little stories, honest stories, stories i go on and on about in my head and sometimes stories that i don’t have an answer to.. hope you like reading it and get a bit of a spin for your own day by day// life story

#interchangeable

hmm, this world seems to get crazier and crazier and we seem to just follow unresisting all the “special offers” it has in place. we can have it all, everything is instantly available, perfection, stuff, food, happiness, love.. hold on.. really?

maybe it might seem this is what it looks like but somehow it is not the real deal.. where are the honesty, the non-perfection, the dark moments, the demons that we all have in us? we seem to heavily over-paint all the bad and ugly by a optically sparkling bright white layer of perfection. disregarding that without medicating the root it only gets worse and worse and worse..

most of the time we act according to perfection and happiness and show only this side of us to the outside world. don’t get me wrong, i don’t ask you to run around with a grumpy face and let the world know how bad your day is. but if you feel like it helps to ventilate this feeling by talking to people and letting it out then feel free to do so.

we oversee that this negative, ugly and bad side belongs to us and will always stay an equal part of us. we have to simply deal with it too. only if you are able to face your demons and interact with them you regain control. you become the driver of your life vehicle. you become aware that those demons can only be tamed by dealing with them not by suppressing them. face them, they are ugly, big and annoying but eventually you become friends.

so once we realize there is a dark side in all of us, we start to look deeper, to look behind the facade and see what else is there. additionally we realize that the world is not only a happy place and that problems, challenges and struggle are also an indispensable part of it. but once we realize, we become aware and we start to accept this as a part of the whole package.

i myself have several bad days, usually after a very good day i dip and sometimes i dip very low. sometimes it is a row of bad days. but accepting this as a part of me, i started to deal with it and enjoy all: the good, the bad and the ugly parts in me. even though we all don’t really want to show the existence of this, we should. we really should. this might be ugly but it is raw, pure, honest and real and this is also a part of the true you.

dealing with that world makes me think further of how we interact and treat other people. everything became so interchangeable. as soon as something is not perfect anymore, we just get rid of it and replace it by something new. something shiny and beautiful something where we can rip open the packaging and start all over again. simple as it is. but why actually?

shouldn’t those old school things have an emotional value to you that is bigger than a instant swap for new? aren’t they a part of you and should be repaired and look like they lived with you for a while. i have several possessions that i use daily and they look really used but that gives them the characteristic of being with me for a while.. and when they are not in place, something is truly missing..

and you can probably see it coming that i don’t only speak about materialistic things that we own. we treat people around us exactly with the same cookie cutter approach. as soon as something is not according to perfection and doesn’t work out as we want it to, we simply dispose, dump it in the rubbish and get rid of it as quickly as possible

— and just like that go for someone new—

a new special offer on the market. a new shiny toy, a new face, a new friend, a new partner etc. as soon as problems arise, we simply leave in order to not deal with the root problems. but you know what? those demons will haunt you, they will haunt you forever. and they become bigger and bigger and at some point the big wave breaks on you. and might drown you. we cannot throw away endlessly without dealing with the trash at some point..

i honestly kinda like to deal with that. looking into friendship or relationship i"ll give you a simple example: having someone by your side means to deal with a lot of "stuff". but if you fully dive into that you realize that all together 1 plus 1 becomes bigger than 2. this is how the magic happens. you get to know each other weaknesses and you reflect, talk about them and both accept bits and pieces. and if you have bigger discrepancies of any nature, you might fight, get to talk about them and find out where they come from and how to deal with them, both of you.

me, i like to grow on each other, i like to support each other and see what one can achieve by being a 2plus. i am not a big fan of dating new people but a fan of getting to know people when there is a click from second one. i like to invest my precious time in people, to get to know them, to learn about them and to eventually see their dark side.

so out of my perspective i can only give you this piece of advice: don’t dump precious things and especially people in the bin but invest, recycle, polish and repair them. trust me this is where the hidden value will show up and you will be amazed how much there is to discover. people will show sides you would have never expected and you can learn so much about them but also about yourself. sometimes people show us a side of us we don’t want to see or simply ignore. that side might be they key to you so don’t turn away.. stay and see what is in for you..

thank you for reading until this point, means the world to me..

much love, K

logbook// 17th of july 2018 on #beingaverageisthenewcool

hello lovely world people out there, decided to finally start writing little stories, honest stories, stories i go on and on about in my head and sometimes stories that i don’t have an answer to.. hope you like reading it and get a bit of a spin for your own day by day// life story

#beingaverageisthenewcool

i don’t know what it is about this life we have but when i look back how our parents and grand parents were living their lives, i can’t get how much this world changed. it makes me sound like an old lady, not old-old but pretty much grown up, one that is taking a step back and looking at it from a bigger distance. sometimes i would even wish to have lived in another time — maybe, maybe not.. is one of those days where i struggle with humankind. this world became so bloody complicated as everything is within the reach of your hand. 24/7availability. instant gratification. you can have it all. perfection please.

yeah, this is how we live our lives. but what is this? the variety and amount of options is so huge that people suffer from f-o-m-o: the fear of missing out. so let me do some math: we can have all = basically good huh? but the infinite choices makes us struggle = so back to bad. hmm, i am not sure if this is what i want for me.

just recently i was thinking about f-o-m-o and at some point i started to smile as i twisted it into c-o-m-o for me. i honestly don’t believe that you have a great time if all you do is posting all the occurrences on all of your social media channels because simply said you are too busy with posting so you can’t enjoy and consequently you do not live in the moment. so back to c-o-m-o. for me this stands for the confidence of missing out. i am fully aware of all the choices we have but i consciously decide not to chase after each and every one of them. i am an ordinary girl, living an ordinary life. i don’t need much to be happy. and i don’t believe that happiness is filled by consumerism. so i consciously miss out, now and then. i have my moments too when i post my stories on instagram and add a couple of pictures with #KKsfeetaroundtheworld but not much more than that.

i feel good with it, i really do. i was at the beach a couple of days ago and believe it or not i took 5 pictures, haven’t been looking on my phone most of the day, didn’t post anything but just enjoyed what was there. the breeze, the sea, the sand, the sun and i went for a swim. that was hell of a fun. coming back home i felt energized, recharged and well i could say i have snap-shot all the precious moments in my high-tech pro camera called the brain.

i realize more and more why i post and i think it is because of a more artsy approach to it. also to save this micro moment for me on my page and to know i can go back to it when i flip through my social media content and have my memories in place. for me this is more of a honest “how i felt in the moment kinda feel” that i want to preserve rather than presenting the world how exciting my life is. to say it very clearly: my life isn’t and i am absolutely content with that. i have friday and saturday nights where i go to bed at 10pm and weekends i don’t leave the house and particularly not my pyjamas. i love those days where the only schedule is to do nothing. NOTHING at all. this for me is the pureness of the confidence of missing out and i admit that to all of you.

by all of the social media content, we might be misled and think that life has to always be sparkle and unicorns and glitter and contouring type of make up, beautiful outfits, tons of latest designer handbags and shoes, of course all perfectly matching and wow wow happy happy sunny days. well, there might be some people out there who have that life but most of us don’t. and again there is nothing wrong about being average and not having a unicorn smoothie bowl in front of you while laughing your heart out at the camera. let me tell you as the old (not old-old ey) lady here that it is not something that is everyones reality and this is simply OK.

we all need moments of re-bounce and serene piece and calm. those moments are the ones that give us the fuel and energy we need to face this busy and sometimes very noisy and draining world out there. and once we start to truly live those moments and enjoy them as they come in real tv and not through a phone camera, this is where our mind starts to be at ease. this is where all the information that we are exposed to gets processed and properly stored.

so take a day per week even if it might sound really strange to do nothing, just try. no agenda. no gym. no make up. no perfection. pyjamas. pyjamas. pyjamas. ok maybe bikinis and swim shorts instead as i don’t want you to show up at the beach in your pyjamas and blame the tanning lines on me afterwards :-)

try it, i promise you that you won’t regret and your body and mind will feel rejuvenated as seldom before.

thank you for reading until this point, means the world to me..

much love, K

logbook// 13th of july 2018 on #attachments

hello lovely world people out there, decided to finally start writing little stories, honest stories, stories i go on and on about in my head and sometimes stories that i don’t have an answer to.. hope you like reading it and get a bit of a spin for your own day by day// life story

#attachments

friday 13th has always been my lucky day and especially today i keep thinking why people think this is a bad day. maybe we are superstitious because we don’t know what this day might do to us.

— for me it is a day to face your demons —

a day to think about what attachments you have in life that hold you back from becoming the person you want to be. don’t get me wrong i do not speak about the kind of “best version of you” stuff that goes on and on on the internet. how to get your perfect body, live the perfect life by working on your productivity perfection, to be efficient as f*ck etc.. i simply mean a person you are happy with when you look yourself in the eyes and no one is around. no matter if your body is perfect according to social media standards, if you only sleep for 5 hours because successful and famous people do or if you are a maniac in attacking your to do list day by day.

that is not what i care about. i care about the honest chunk of your personality, the mindset behind a person, the little odd habits and facial expressions that you show when no one is around. and the things that make your heart beat faster and get you into the flow. the person that gets lost when doing something with true passion. this is what i look after and this is what drives me.

it might hurt badly to face your demons because we keep telling ourselves so many lies, day in and day out. we keep telling us that we are happy despite there is this undercurrent that keeps ripping you apart. and if you reach the next level and realize and accept that these are lies, we tend to find excuses. excuses why we cannot live the life we want, just do whatever we want. we have obligations, need to pay our bills, have to take care of family or close friends, maybe a pet, a house, a car, the garden, the boat, the horse, the hobbies etc.. there is always this dead rock hanging at our feet that holds us back from taking off.

i was absolutely the same: i always had excuses, i made a whole mind map of excuses to not do what i truly wanted to. i first needed to save some money, i needed to work on my career, buy a house, collect more and more chattels to concrete me to the life i had. man, was i dishonest to me, big time. but at this time it felt right, it gave me the alleged comfort zone i believed i needed. it felt safe, it felt comfortable and felt like a shelter one can hide when the world crumbles.

current occurrences changed my point of view and set my world on fire. how could i be lived by a life that i didn’t really want? how could i just go on with it by sitting on the co-driver’s seat? how did i accept that for so many years? questions after questions.. and trust me it was very painful to ask them myself to myself. but as much pain as it meant, it paid off in the end..

you might say to not have many securities or attachments is risky but i say it is light. and airy. and free. i can go whenever i want to, i can leave everything behind. and i can always start at scratch line. and you know what? it feels so liberating. it feels there is nothing i need to feel accountable for. nothing that holds me back. and that makes the possibilities i have infinite. it gives me the opportunity to live. life. to. the. fullest.

it is every individuals decision to create the life we want and i am not preaching that what i have is something to strive for. but i believe that most of us build a comfort zone with all kind of attachments to feel safe and sound. and the question is more to figure out for you how much of attachments are really needed. to purely ask if you are a person who sits right now in the driver’s seat of your life or if there are artificially created attachments that keep you back from this pure and raw life experience you can have everyday. ask yourself how much you truly live *in the moment* and if all the attachments are truly needed.

thank you for reading until this point, means the world to me..

much love, K

logbook// 11th of july 2018 on #lifeitinerary

hello lovely world people out there, decided to finally start writing little stories, honest stories, stories i go on and on about in my head and sometimes stories that i don’t have an answer to.. hope you like reading it and get a bit of a spin for your own day by day// life story

#lifeitinerary

do you have a clear path in life? do you know what your life goal is? in private life and concerning your career? did you make an itinerary on how to get to your life goal and how much time you will need? do you think you have it all in place? all figured out? all ducks in a row? well, my friend i wish you luck because you will need it..

i never had an itinerary to be honest, even if my life seemed like the perfect line up. always and forever a happy kid, moved with my parents from poland to germany when i was 11 and learned a new language within no time, pretty good in school, a-levels, studies well done, started to work while still studying and then it all lined up perfectly. first job, second job, promotion after promotion, all seemed so easy, the perfect road, no bumps at all. one of the youngest managers at that time, learning all i could, reaching my goals, making it work, taking care of my team, being a role model, empathetic, although never a yes-person but one with a solid backbone to speak up etc.

in my personal life: pretty much the same. relationship: check. smart and damn good looking boyfriend by my side: check. good in shape: check. big car: check. vacation: check. successful on all levels: check. perfect life: check. you might realize i could go on like this forever but i save you the details because this is what the surface was and my surface was solid as a rock to make this life look like perfection d e l u x e.

as said, things came my way, i kinda asked for them too too but it happened effortless so i followed and walked this path thinking this is what life has in store for me — and then all of a sudden something changed — it was for the first time beginning of my thirties where i broke up with my boy, realizing big time how unhappy i was and that i have always been in a relationship to fill a void in me. thinking someone will make me happy because i was kinda happy but deep down i wasn’t at all.. i was frankly speaking, pretty miserable.

my world started to crumble and i started to struggle but since this was all i had worked so hard for and was good at, i went on and took a challenge after another and climbed the career ladder higher and higher. i knew i could do one thing really well and i kept on with what i had a PhD at: f u n c t i o n i n g. don’t get me wrong: the fact to develop and see growing what i took care of, seeing teams bonding together and strategies and product directions being set, made me proud and happy but it was a different kind of happy. it was the professional kind of happy. i was missing something and i absolutely didn’t know what it was. but it was just so convenient that i kept myself so busy to not even have the time to think about what i might be needing under this solid rock layer of look-a-like-happiness.

and then all of a sudden a big wave crushed on me.

the void grew and grew and bursted all of a sudden last year. nothing in my life made sense anymore and i felt a big chunk of emptiness in me. my reaction was that i broke up with the boy i was living with, packed my backpack and went for a little adventure to indonesia. all by myself, roughly estimating where to go, just aiming at going with the flow and have some me time. and something in me connected into this tiny exit and simply short-circuited a part of me. i still remember this moment because it is still so vivid and even nowadays i feel the earthquake waves still crushing on me. the biggest lesson was: if you think you have all in life under control, you have bloody no idea at all. life is so non-predictable and the only thing we can be certain about is the uncertainty.

“a year from now on your life will be so different” is what i kept telling myself but was shitting my pants how this would look like and how i should ever get there. i was so empty, so sad, so unhappy, so lost and absolutely didn’t know how to go on. but even if i could not see yet this would lead somewhere, life decided to take me on the rollercoaster ride i needed. one that goes through dark caves, dirty and dusty roads, ugly places, bumpy roads but even if the road was pitch black in between, i felt a tiny little sparkle of hope. and the universe didn’t let me down. “the night is darkest before dawn” is one of the things i kept telling me no matter how miserable i was.. and it paid off.

you can only connect the dots backwards and i am still not even half way there but all starts to make sense now and all the pieces start to fall into place step by step, baby step by baby step.. looking back and telling the story is not easy but i find it important as i feel many people go through similar times but don’t dare to speak about it.. we all pretend to have the perfect life — but maybe you should ask yourself in a quiet moment: are you really happy? is that the life you want to live? and if there is a bit of doubt, think about it..

thank you for reading until this point, means the world to me..

much love, K