logbook// 11th of july 2018 on #lifeitinerary

hello lovely world people out there, decided to finally start writing little stories, honest stories, stories i go on and on about in my head and sometimes stories that i don’t have an answer to.. hope you like reading it and get a bit of a spin for your own day by day// life story

#lifeitinerary

do you have a clear path in life? do you know what your life goal is? in private life and concerning your career? did you make an itinerary on how to get to your life goal and how much time you will need? do you think you have it all in place? all figured out? all ducks in a row? well, my friend i wish you luck because you will need it..

i never had an itinerary to be honest, even if my life seemed like the perfect line up. always and forever a happy kid, moved with my parents from poland to germany when i was 11 and learned a new language within no time, pretty good in school, a-levels, studies well done, started to work while still studying and then it all lined up perfectly. first job, second job, promotion after promotion, all seemed so easy, the perfect road, no bumps at all. one of the youngest managers at that time, learning all i could, reaching my goals, making it work, taking care of my team, being a role model, empathetic, although never a yes-person but one with a solid backbone to speak up etc.

in my personal life: pretty much the same. relationship: check. smart and damn good looking boyfriend by my side: check. good in shape: check. big car: check. vacation: check. successful on all levels: check. perfect life: check. you might realize i could go on like this forever but i save you the details because this is what the surface was and my surface was solid as a rock to make this life look like perfection d e l u x e.

as said, things came my way, i kinda asked for them too too but it happened effortless so i followed and walked this path thinking this is what life has in store for me — and then all of a sudden something changed — it was for the first time beginning of my thirties where i broke up with my boy, realizing big time how unhappy i was and that i have always been in a relationship to fill a void in me. thinking someone will make me happy because i was kinda happy but deep down i wasn’t at all.. i was frankly speaking, pretty miserable.

my world started to crumble and i started to struggle but since this was all i had worked so hard for and was good at, i went on and took a challenge after another and climbed the career ladder higher and higher. i knew i could do one thing really well and i kept on with what i had a PhD at: f u n c t i o n i n g. don’t get me wrong: the fact to develop and see growing what i took care of, seeing teams bonding together and strategies and product directions being set, made me proud and happy but it was a different kind of happy. it was the professional kind of happy. i was missing something and i absolutely didn’t know what it was. but it was just so convenient that i kept myself so busy to not even have the time to think about what i might be needing under this solid rock layer of look-a-like-happiness.

and then all of a sudden a big wave crushed on me.

the void grew and grew and bursted all of a sudden last year. nothing in my life made sense anymore and i felt a big chunk of emptiness in me. my reaction was that i broke up with the boy i was living with, packed my backpack and went for a little adventure to indonesia. all by myself, roughly estimating where to go, just aiming at going with the flow and have some me time. and something in me connected into this tiny exit and simply short-circuited a part of me. i still remember this moment because it is still so vivid and even nowadays i feel the earthquake waves still crushing on me. the biggest lesson was: if you think you have all in life under control, you have bloody no idea at all. life is so non-predictable and the only thing we can be certain about is the uncertainty.

“a year from now on your life will be so different” is what i kept telling myself but was shitting my pants how this would look like and how i should ever get there. i was so empty, so sad, so unhappy, so lost and absolutely didn’t know how to go on. but even if i could not see yet this would lead somewhere, life decided to take me on the rollercoaster ride i needed. one that goes through dark caves, dirty and dusty roads, ugly places, bumpy roads but even if the road was pitch black in between, i felt a tiny little sparkle of hope. and the universe didn’t let me down. “the night is darkest before dawn” is one of the things i kept telling me no matter how miserable i was.. and it paid off.

you can only connect the dots backwards and i am still not even half way there but all starts to make sense now and all the pieces start to fall into place step by step, baby step by baby step.. looking back and telling the story is not easy but i find it important as i feel many people go through similar times but don’t dare to speak about it.. we all pretend to have the perfect life — but maybe you should ask yourself in a quiet moment: are you really happy? is that the life you want to live? and if there is a bit of doubt, think about it..

thank you for reading until this point, means the world to me..

much love, K