logbook// 28th of july 2018 on #beinghuman

hello lovely world people out there, decided to finally start writing little stories, honest stories, stories i go on and on about in my head and sometimes stories that i don’t have an answer to.. hope you like reading it and get a bit of a spin for your own day by day// life story


here we go with essay number 13 (which is my lucky number actually so let’s put my expectation level up ;-) and dive into another topic that seems to become more and more important but so surpressed in this world. with all the perfection we surround ourselves most of the time it becomes difficult - by all means - almost impossible to be still human. the pure, raw, imperfect kind of human that comes along with all kind of flaws. but what actually holds us back from being that and why did that seem to become mission impossible nowadays?

let’s take a little journey and see how society and individual’s perception unfolded during the last couple of years. with all the social media hype came an urge to present yourself towards the outside world. we became a put-the-level-of-expectations-to-new-heights-NOW type of society. it became a duality of presenting yourself by making use of several filters that don’t comply with reality and as a consequence to mainly try living up to something that is not according to reality. we layer filters on our true self because with all the pressure it seems that presenting yourself the way you truly are, simply isn’t enough. we feel we need to top up on who we really are with layers and layers in order to live up to something we actually don’t own anymore. this „something“ became uncontrollable on it's own terms. there is actually no rule that dictates us what the norm is but it started to cultivate it’s own bad energy to make us strive for more and never be happy with status quo.

for sure there is one influence which is this external pressure -and that is one that shouldn’t be underestimated- dictated by several marketing gurus telling you how you should look like to feel happy. basically you should have a certain waist to hip ratio, a certain body size (please not much bigger than size zero right?), every salad you eat shall please serve to make you happy because it is bringing you closer to the perfect body you desperately need.

spending most of your private time in the gym is a given, drinking lots of water, eating healthy, sleeping proper hours etc is all part of the game. if you don’t live up to that, you fall through the cracks, right? i actually was that kind of person: always striving for the best version of me. spending years and years in the gym, running miles after miles and seeking out for the new super food that brings all the results overnight. eating healthy as shit, striving for the impossible to become possible -man was i unhappy- never did i come to a point where i said: „this is good.. and you are enough. K, you can relax and enjoy and have some indulgence..“ - abso-f*cking-lutely f*cking never. there was always this big lump in my throat indicating there is something missing to be the prefect version of myself. somehow it felt like the fear of missing out: i could always spend more time at the gym, eat healthier or less, buy more care product to see my skin glowing. never ever was i at a point to say stop, this is enough, you’re good as you are..

it needed almost 37 years to seriously dawn on me that what we see on billboards, in magazines and all print media is a type of perfection that doesn’t exist in real life. it is mostly fake, it is photoshopped and not according to reality. and seriously if you think that models are happy girls: trust me there are only very few who truly are. most are critized all the time for their flaws and imperfections and seeing an image of you on billboards or in magazines that is not according to reality must bring you down to your knees. realizing that even being a model is not good enough. and this mainly because people decide that re-engineering you and your pictures with a proper photoshop job makes you look better. man, what a sick world, huh?

i stopped that shit in my head a couple of months ago. i stopped spending my life in the gym, eating healthy shit 24/7 and facetuning my face on social media. actually i went a step further: i started to cherish every and each imperfection and recently leave every single grey hair on my head just grow and not getting rid of them anymore. i started to embrace every wrinkle and flaw on my body. every imperfection which shows that i lived for 37 years and the fact it all is a part of me is highly welcomed. a big part that i don’t want to erase. it would mean i erase a part of my personality. and now comes the best part: i went even further and consciously decided to „harm“ my body now and then :-)

i have my biblical consumption of alcohol and i smoke a cigarette now and then. and you know what? i really feel and see how i enjoy it. if i feel like i want to smoke a cigarette, eat some junk food or get wasted here and there, i bloody allow myself to do so. very simple rule to live by: "whatsoever, all in, no regrets". and you know what? it is so much fun to do it! i see myself smoking a cigarette and if i feel i want to eat chocolate for breakfast, i do that too. i found this natural faith and connection to my body again that keeps telling me what it needs. yeah, you might say there is not much nutritional value in chocolate for breakfast or a cigarette here and there but there is lots of happiness and rebellious joy in it. and when you truly enjoy that in the exact moment when it happens, you realize that your body doesn’t crave for that kind of stuff every day. actually the opposite happens and your body processes it as good as possible and accepts this little escapade and makes the crime scene look totally clean again.. taadaa.. you and your body become partners in crime and see the little short term damage as well as the long term joy to it.

this is my kind of *being human* story for today. this raw, ordinary, humble but at the same time risky, wicked type of a plot. the awareness of what perfection is and feels like but also the me that has the guts to occasionally off-road this type of mindset. it shows me that i am not perfect but it also makes me feel alive and accept that our flaws and imperfections are what defines us being a human. not the perfection, flawless image we want to pretend.

so here i go and invite you to take a moment and find your little guilty pleasure, your little backyard outside of the garden of eden. the type of bad influence things and people that make you feel alive. and even if you in first place might regret these little escapades, they will leave you recharged emotionally afterwards by leaving you flooded with pure joy and this little cheeky smile on your face before the regret situation hits in.

try and see, leave some space for the unknown, boldly and humble wander off-road, do something different than you did yesterday, take an ice cold shower, eat the really bad junk food, do not listen to your parents advice just now and then. ditch the gym, don’t photoshop or use a filter on your social media account. drink some liquor instead of water and send your productivity for a little vacation trip to the country called „try again tomorrow“. keep it homeopathic in first place and see how you can find your way in..

enjoy being a little rebel, because deep inside you are! maybe just occassionally. but don’t be afraid. you can tip toe in cold water first and still decide if you want to jump in head over heels or if you prefer to stay in with the toe only. you somehow realize that it is not that bad to go astray for a moment. because you still know the way back. but on the other hand also find little joy in regretting of what you did if you take it bit too far :-) a play of both sides mingling together will make you feel truly a-l-i-v-e again. it will make you feel human and this is one of my favorite trips ever.

thank you for reading until this point, means the world to me..

much love, K