logbook// 9th of july 2018 on #positiveisnegativeinmirrorwriting

hello lovely world people out there, decided to finally start writing little stories, honest stories, stories i go on and on about in my head and sometimes stories that i don’t have an answer to.. hope you like reading it and get a bit of a spin for your own day by day// life story


this world gives me so much to think about every day and the more i think the more i realize. i needed 36 years to call myself happy. i don’t mean happy in a casual way, as we say it day by day and pretend we are. i mean the true happiness, the balance in you, the zen and simplicity that lies within happiness. to look in the mirror and being honest to yourself that you truly are. it took forever. i never really loved my body and i was never happy with what i achieved. it always felt empty, unfortunately not a good kind of empty but a very dark and bad kind of empty and it took me long to find out what the true cause was.

on the surface though everyone was thinking i am the happy kid forever and always, little miss sunshine, wonder woman, she has t h e perfect life, t h e perfect career, she has all one need. yeah, so did i tell myself this lie and pretended to believe.. but man, i knew i was soo wrong.. i was just not having the right keys to open the door at this time.

especially the last 3 years were really difficult as i started to question e v e r y t h i n g and started to rebel it all out. i started to ask myself questions about existence and life and i felt there is a void i need to fill in me in order to be able to give myself a reply. so much change happened and so much dawned on me especially the last year which will come out during this logbook sessions that sometimes i was and still am unable to cope with it myself. just by now, i know how to vessel it and funnel it into a conclusion.

the point is: i would consider myself happy n o w, really happy, complete as complete as one can be in a status quo. and not being very interested in other people opinions about me. but the hardest lesson of all came so unexpected and that is why i need to share:

as soon as you get to the point where you think: „yeah, here i am world, look at the happy girl over here“ life simply decides that it is time to teach you one of your biggest lessons. you learn just in this moment that all we have is driven by the opposite characteristic and this is how it can only exist. in a blink of an eye you can loose it all, it might be a loved one, it might be your life that gets an unexpected turn, or it might be an accident that occurs and changes your life forever. It can be big but it can also be small occurrences. how heavy it hits you is more driven by what the consequences are for you.

the biggest lesson is that happiness can only exist if we are able and aware to face the biggest negative opposite side of it. only if we realize that loss and win, life and death, love and heartbreak, happiness and grief, sun and rain, yin and yang, etc.. belong together and that we cannot have one without the other, is where we realize  the true meaning to life. if we realize, accept and surrender to this fact, we will learn what life is about. positive will always have a negative side. it is like one of those old school photographs most of us grew up with: you cannot have the photo without the negative in first place. this too shall past is applicable for the bad and for the good circumstances.. you cannot have one without the other..

thank you for reading until this point, means the world to me..

much love, K