logbook// 11th of august 2018 on #faceyourdemons

hello lovely world people out there, decided to finally start writing little stories, honest stories, stories i go on and on about in my head and sometimes stories that i don’t have an answer to.. hope you like reading it and get a bit of a spin for your own day by day// life story


it feels like forever since my last logbook but to be honest i did some real logbooking last weekend. i went on a sailing trip, doing my first sailing licence. man, that was mental, but a pretty good kind of mental experience. one of those moments in life where you know you will not be the same person afterwards. i kind of always was day dreamin about sailing but never really believed i could do it. it felt like it was for other people but not for me. and all of a sudden i just did. i simply grabbed the chance in life. it was a big chunk of a chance and it left a big beauty mark on me. a sea mark. there was scurf and a mermaid stamp on my skin. it transformed me. and it was not difficult at all looking backwards. but let me tell you the full story:

i was always scared of water, learned swimming at a late age and thereof was not really feeling at ease in water as soon as i couldn't feel the ground under my feet. to know there is the unknown, made me freak out. it really did. i looked up to those people that just went for a swim in the ocean, that were diving, doing all kind of water sports and i could see how much happiness there was on their faces. but i, i didn't even dare to try. i was afraid and kept telling myself this is not for me. but somehow something in me didn't want to accept this shitty piece of an excuse.

more or less 2 years ago, i decided to do my diving licence. i thought i just can't leave it be. it was a spontaneous reaction, one of those where you don't realize the consequences of your assignment in that moment. but you do after and so did i. and in order to keep my cool i just kept telling myself that i simply want to try whatever it may cost. i felt i need to conquer the sea and at the same time face this massive piece of anxiety in me. that was a tough experience and to be honest i didn't want to believe i would master it. the fear left me paralyzed and even my instructor told me afterwards that she hardly believed i would manage to do that. but i did. and i did the advanced diving licence right away on the next day. but let me tell first how i got to this point and faced this demon of anxiety in me.

it was in Thailand during vacation that i decided i would give it a try. i was f*cking scared and already practicing in the pool with all the equipment made me freak out and hyperventilate most of the time. to simply feel my head under the water surface was one of my biggest fears. the possibility of drowning and the fact of being depending on that bottle on your back scared the shit out of me. just being aware that the bottle is the only way i can survive underneath the water surface made it even worse. and realizing that if you panic you cannot simply dive up but have to find a solution on the spot made me think this is going to be insane. because usually whenever there was danger in life, i knew i could escape. but not here. that was intense. that was mad. that was sick and scary as hell. but there was a little sparkle in it that kept calling my name..

and as i am a little piece of a cool kid and like to play with fire from time to time i couldn't let the idea go off me. i felt the danger but so did i feel the curiosity of what it would feel like. so i simply started. and of course it went horrible in first place. the exercises were a pain in the ass and i was stiff as a dead body. good circumstances to do such an adventure. i got to a point where i felt more and more miserable but something in me couldn't take the endless excuses anymore so somehow i kept kicking my ass to keep moving. every time we went out on the boat and jumped into the water i panicked, used my air by far the quickest and was just happy to be simply still alive after each dive. i was shaking, i was shivering but something in my head kept telling me i cannot stop. it was one of those moments in life where i knew there is no option to fail. this is thone of the crossroads i need to decide which way to go. either the comfort zone way and just give up or the scenic route that might be dangerous but at the end far more rewarding. probably you think now what a crazy woman i am.. well i am indeed :-) it happens just occassionally but i can be a crazy kind. so here i was and this whole thing became an internal fight that kept going on inside of me. i kept pushing because i didn't want to surrender to this big demon in me, i felt i eventually might conquer it if i try hard enough and if i stay strong. so i kept going.

and apparently this magical day came. i remember the feeling like it happened yesterday. i was standing on the boat, as usual shivering and holding onto all of my equipment. not wanting to jump. full of fear and doubts. but this time i did something different: i looked at the beauty of the sea underneath my feet and i realized that i want to exploit the endless unknown of it. that i just don't want to miss out on this experience. just only because of the fear in my head. and that actually this is really what i want deep inside of me. and all of a sudden i looked the demon in the eye. eye level on eye level. i could for the first time see the demon struggling with my attitude. because this time i wasn't scared - hell no - i was aware of the danger but i felt my strength growing. i felt if i want to fight that demon i need to stay humble, aware of the risk but firm on the other hand. if i want this demon to go away i need to face my fear and deal with it. hiding my whole life and running away is not doing the job and is not my mindset at all.

and for the very first time a smile rushed upon my face and the sky cleared up. i could see the width of the horizon. all the endless possibilities. i was at peace with my mind. i was at ease and everything fell into place. just in a split second. snap. just like that. 

i will never forget this moment that left such a mark on me. all of a sudden it became easy to deal with that demon. i tamed the demon. i dwarfed it into a manageable and proper size that fitted into a box. i stopped feeding it with all of my fears. and at the same time i found a new piece of me. a strong and fearless piece of a woman. an independent kind. one that lives her life by her own rules. one that goes after the things she wants in life. one that doesn't hesitate and struggles. and runs away as soon as a difficulties come along her way. i said hello to this shiny new piece of me. and this piece melted so naturally into the me i always was.

from that moment, it started to be so much fun to dive and explore the beauty of the sea. i realized basically there is another planet hidden underneath the water surface and i swore to myself that i will never let my fear stop me from doing anything ever again. i decided to live life to the fullest. don't get me wrong, i still procrastinate many things that scare the shit out of me but as soon i tap into that trap i look back into that moment where i just conquered what didn't serve me anymore and face the struggle out of this perspective.

after this experience i started to do many things that i was scared of, i went on my motorbike way more often and i love to see this monster of a motorbike grow on me. and when i perform an occasional reality check and look at me outside of me, i feel this is the woman i truly want to be. independent. strong. fierce. powerful. alive. joyful and beautiful. happy, curious and grateful to have the chance to explore what life may have in store for her.

so and as this adventure and experience didn't let go off me, i went on this sailing trip last weekend to finally feel even more like conquering this deep blue sea that i was so scared of. it was really life changing and it gave me an additional piece to the puzzle. the life puzzle of a woman i am consciously creating. the woman i really like when i look her in the eye. she is the kind of woman i always wished to be. the one that don't let her be stopped by fear or any demon power. the one that kicks her ass big time if she thinks she is unable to accomplish something.

i can only recommend to you to chase after THAT version of yourself. EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. the person you are outside of your comfort zone, the only thing that is sure about that, is that you WON'T.REGRET.IT. it will make you fall, stand back up again and grow and it will leave you different, exchanged, energized and fierce to live life to the fulliest.

WRITE AND LIVE YOUR LIFE STORY, don't let someone else live the life you want.

thank you for reading until this point, means the world to me..

much love, K