logbook// 11th of july 2018 on #lifeitinerary

hello lovely world people out there, decided to finally start writing little stories, honest stories, stories i go on and on about in my head and sometimes stories that i don’t have an answer to.. hope you like reading it and get a bit of a spin for your own day by day// life story

#lifeitinerary

do you have a clear path in life? do you know what your life goal is? in private life and concerning your career? did you make an itinerary on how to get to your life goal and how much time you will need? do you think you have it all in place? all figured out? all ducks in a row? well, my friend i wish you luck because you will need it..

i never had an itinerary to be honest, even if my life seemed like the perfect line up. always and forever a happy kid, moved with my parents from poland to germany when i was 11 and learned a new language within no time, pretty good in school, a-levels, studies well done, started to work while still studying and then it all lined up perfectly. first job, second job, promotion after promotion, all seemed so easy, the perfect road, no bumps at all. one of the youngest managers at that time, learning all i could, reaching my goals, making it work, taking care of my team, being a role model, empathetic, although never a yes-person but one with a solid backbone to speak up etc.

in my personal life: pretty much the same. relationship: check. smart and damn good looking boyfriend by my side: check. good in shape: check. big car: check. vacation: check. successful on all levels: check. perfect life: check. you might realize i could go on like this forever but i save you the details because this is what the surface was and my surface was solid as a rock to make this life look like perfection d e l u x e.

as said, things came my way, i kinda asked for them too too but it happened effortless so i followed and walked this path thinking this is what life has in store for me — and then all of a sudden something changed — it was for the first time beginning of my thirties where i broke up with my boy, realizing big time how unhappy i was and that i have always been in a relationship to fill a void in me. thinking someone will make me happy because i was kinda happy but deep down i wasn’t at all.. i was frankly speaking, pretty miserable.

my world started to crumble and i started to struggle but since this was all i had worked so hard for and was good at, i went on and took a challenge after another and climbed the career ladder higher and higher. i knew i could do one thing really well and i kept on with what i had a PhD at: f u n c t i o n i n g. don’t get me wrong: the fact to develop and see growing what i took care of, seeing teams bonding together and strategies and product directions being set, made me proud and happy but it was a different kind of happy. it was the professional kind of happy. i was missing something and i absolutely didn’t know what it was. but it was just so convenient that i kept myself so busy to not even have the time to think about what i might be needing under this solid rock layer of look-a-like-happiness.

and then all of a sudden a big wave crushed on me.

the void grew and grew and bursted all of a sudden last year. nothing in my life made sense anymore and i felt a big chunk of emptiness in me. my reaction was that i broke up with the boy i was living with, packed my backpack and went for a little adventure to indonesia. all by myself, roughly estimating where to go, just aiming at going with the flow and have some me time. and something in me connected into this tiny exit and simply short-circuited a part of me. i still remember this moment because it is still so vivid and even nowadays i feel the earthquake waves still crushing on me. the biggest lesson was: if you think you have all in life under control, you have bloody no idea at all. life is so non-predictable and the only thing we can be certain about is the uncertainty.

“a year from now on your life will be so different” is what i kept telling myself but was shitting my pants how this would look like and how i should ever get there. i was so empty, so sad, so unhappy, so lost and absolutely didn’t know how to go on. but even if i could not see yet this would lead somewhere, life decided to take me on the rollercoaster ride i needed. one that goes through dark caves, dirty and dusty roads, ugly places, bumpy roads but even if the road was pitch black in between, i felt a tiny little sparkle of hope. and the universe didn’t let me down. “the night is darkest before dawn” is one of the things i kept telling me no matter how miserable i was.. and it paid off.

you can only connect the dots backwards and i am still not even half way there but all starts to make sense now and all the pieces start to fall into place step by step, baby step by baby step.. looking back and telling the story is not easy but i find it important as i feel many people go through similar times but don’t dare to speak about it.. we all pretend to have the perfect life — but maybe you should ask yourself in a quiet moment: are you really happy? is that the life you want to live? and if there is a bit of doubt, think about it..

thank you for reading until this point, means the world to me..

much love, K

logbook// 10th of july 2018 on #lifeisanautopilot

hello lovely world people out there, decided to finally start writing little stories, honest stories, stories i go on and on about in my head and sometimes stories that i don’t have an answer to.. hope you like reading it and get a bit of a spin for your own day by day// life story

#lifeisanautopilot

I learned everything in life happens for a reason and most of the time you are not able to figure out why things happen as they happen to you in life. especially me, who is a little of an over-thinker from time to time, i do question many things and sometimes just don’t want to accept what life gives me.. it feels like it doesn’t make sense.. but there is a bigger lesson behind that..

in my perspective life seems to function according to something that i would call an auto-pilot and we are the ones that will probably never know how to use the navigation.. it is like a rollercoaster ride and the rollercoaster is on rails and the rails are the way of our destiny.. you never know which way it turns in the next moment but you know that you sit in the wagon and you have little choice which way it will go..

so here is my manual how to deal with this: we can open our senses and enjoy every little moment of the fantastic ride because if we look at it, life is truly beautiful.. wherever we go, whoever we meet, everything that happens to us, gives us something and enhances us to become a better person.. every encounter leaves a trace, either on our mindset, on what we know, on our hearts and on our skin, sometimes even much deeper than all of the above. it is an experience and a sparkle that we will carry with us forever..

and once you start to see the beauty of a bigger plan you realize you can enjoy the ride because at some point the stops the rollercoaster takes is like: “oh wow, never *expected* to stop here..” it is like when you get lost in a new city or landscape because you just didn’t follow the path you had in mind for you in first place and you end up to see way more beauty than you could ever while looking and sticking to the initial plan on the map..

so lovely people.. give it a try: don’t try so hard to find out how to use the navigation (expectations, overthinking, not being in the present moment etc..) but just take a deep breath and connect to this tingling feeling in your belly when you know the rollercoaster is getting really fast in a split second.. this is your intuition that takes over the autopilot and she knows which way to go..

so promise yourself to enjoy those little sparkles that you pick up on the way, keep the memories in your heart, learn and save the lessons you get for free at each turn, crossroad and stop. especially the good, the bad and the ugly ones. they all mold you into the human being you are about to become..

but let me tell you one thing: if you feel the rollercoaster did take a wrong turn, speak up and tell the universe that it is not okay and that you cannot accept that. i am not saying it will help, but as much as i believe in a bigger plan in life, i still believe that 99% is destiny and 1% is chance. and only by speaking up we can have a little influence on the direction our life goes and the universe might backpedal for a second to reconsider if what just happened is really meant to be the right path for you..

speak up if you feel you need to, it will create a standstill that might be crucial.. a little nudge on your direction might mean a big impact on your whole direction in life..

thank you for reading until this point, means the world to me..

much love, K

logbook// 9th of july 2018 on #positiveisnegativeinmirrorwriting

hello lovely world people out there, decided to finally start writing little stories, honest stories, stories i go on and on about in my head and sometimes stories that i don’t have an answer to.. hope you like reading it and get a bit of a spin for your own day by day// life story

#positiveisnegativeinmirrorwriting

this world gives me so much to think about every day and the more i think the more i realize. i needed 36 years to call myself happy. i don’t mean happy in a casual way, as we say it day by day and pretend we are. i mean the true happiness, the balance in you, the zen and simplicity that lies within happiness. to look in the mirror and being honest to yourself that you truly are. it took forever. i never really loved my body and i was never happy with what i achieved. it always felt empty, unfortunately not a good kind of empty but a very dark and bad kind of empty and it took me long to find out what the true cause was.

on the surface though everyone was thinking i am the happy kid forever and always, little miss sunshine, wonder woman, she has t h e perfect life, t h e perfect career, she has all one need. yeah, so did i tell myself this lie and pretended to believe.. but man, i knew i was soo wrong.. i was just not having the right keys to open the door at this time.

especially the last 3 years were really difficult as i started to question e v e r y t h i n g and started to rebel it all out. i started to ask myself questions about existence and life and i felt there is a void i need to fill in me in order to be able to give myself a reply. so much change happened and so much dawned on me especially the last year which will come out during this logbook sessions that sometimes i was and still am unable to cope with it myself. just by now, i know how to vessel it and funnel it into a conclusion.

the point is: i would consider myself happy n o w, really happy, complete as complete as one can be in a status quo. and not being very interested in other people opinions about me. but the hardest lesson of all came so unexpected and that is why i need to share:

as soon as you get to the point where you think: „yeah, here i am world, look at the happy girl over here“ life simply decides that it is time to teach you one of your biggest lessons. you learn just in this moment that all we have is driven by the opposite characteristic and this is how it can only exist. in a blink of an eye you can loose it all, it might be a loved one, it might be your life that gets an unexpected turn, or it might be an accident that occurs and changes your life forever. It can be big but it can also be small occurrences. how heavy it hits you is more driven by what the consequences are for you.

the biggest lesson is that happiness can only exist if we are able and aware to face the biggest negative opposite side of it. only if we realize that loss and win, life and death, love and heartbreak, happiness and grief, sun and rain, yin and yang, etc.. belong together and that we cannot have one without the other, is where we realize  the true meaning to life. if we realize, accept and surrender to this fact, we will learn what life is about. positive will always have a negative side. it is like one of those old school photographs most of us grew up with: you cannot have the photo without the negative in first place. this too shall past is applicable for the bad and for the good circumstances.. you cannot have one without the other..

thank you for reading until this point, means the world to me..

much love, K

logbook// 4th of july 2018 on #vulnerability

hello lovely world people out there, decided to finally start writing little stories, honest stories, stories i go on and on about in my head and sometimes stories that i don’t have an answer to.. hope you like reading it and get a bit of a spin for your own day by day// life story

#vulnerability

this v word was s o m e t h i n g that one might call a feeling. but definitely nothing i was able to let happen in me.. period

for those who know me, i have always been pretty much wonder woman and any less than that. whatever came my way that had an ”impossible” tag on it, i raised my hand, turned it into “easy-breezy-doable” and made gold out of it. the higher the stake - the better, the higher the risk - the more i was in for the adventure. to learn that we can be very strong by showing our weaknesses NEVER made any sense to me. and took serious years to truly dawn on me.

it seems one of those hardest lessons you will remember forever. those that burn themselves painfully into your memory and won’t ever fade away. but this is how life plays: the moments you only learn big time are not the ones where you end up with a little cute plaster with mickey mouse print on it.. put it simple: nope babe.

is those moments where you fall deep, you break every single bone, you bruise you whole body, you lay on the ground and you’re so bloody lost. there is no light, there is no one. there is just you, all by yourself and alone, unable to move, unable to scream, unable to crawl. and there is this pain. time seems to stop. the lowest point. the lowest level you ever got. and as you sit in deep shit you cannot imagine that you will ever get up again. but you know what: you will. the trick is that you have to leave dead weight behind you. you have to take this opportunity to learn by fully surrendering into this pain. whatever it takes. and it will change you. you will not be the same person afterwards. but you make space, space for a new part to evolve in you.

seeing this moment while looking back, floods me with deep sorrow of how i felt at this time. but looking back with todays perspective makes me realize how much changed. how much i changed. and that NOW it makes sense that i can be strong by showing my weak side. from a big distance basically the math is simple: you expose yourself fully and this shows you are vulnerable AND at the same time it shows true strength. it shows you are not scared to be injured, whatever might come. you stand up and show the world you have nothing to hide. this is raw and pure, this is truth and honesty. this is emotion. this is what the world needs again.

so go little girl, cry the hell out of you, scream, hit a pillow, tell people if they hurt you. tell them why it is not ok how they treat you. show the world the pure YOU that is vulnerable but so beautiful and fragile. once you start you will see people being surprised seeing this different side of you. one they never expected. one that has to learn to be in the spotlight from time to time.

it is a side we all should show more in order to not pretend being perfect and to stop acting according to the productivity and performance level that is our burden every day. please do me a favour and show this beautiful imperfect version of you, one with scars and bruises.. and you know what: all of our scars and bruises tell stories and i am very interested to hear yours.. show the world who you really are..

thank you for reading until this point, means the world to me..

much love, K

logbook// 29th of june 2018 on #silence

hello lovely world people out there, decided to finally start writing little stories, honest stories, stories i go on and on about in my head and sometimes stories that i don’t have an answer to.. hope you like reading it and get a bit of a spin for your own day by day// life story

#silence

silence is a big word, a difficult state in a world where everyone is constantly screaming for attention. we learned that the louder we are the more attention we get. but is that what we truly want? the more quiet you become, the more you can hear.. first of all what is within you: your inner voice. and this voice will only speak when you give it space and silence to do so. when you truly start to listen.. your inner voice is shy and needs time to evolve, to give you advice, to share what is in you.. but it is worth to take the time and listen because it is all in you..

secondly when you become silent, you start to truly listen to the voices around you. you start to care for the people around you. often we listen with the intention to reply but this is where we don’t truly listen. but if we become really silent and simply listen, we start to care, we get deeper, we take in without transferring something right away into an output. it is not always advice that people seek out for when they speak to you, sometimes they simply want to be heard..

take some time and be quiet, listen, take in, be patient.. you will be surprised how much you can learn in this simplicity of silence..

much love, K

logbook// 28th of june 2018 on #expectations

hello lovely world people out there, decided to finally start writing little stories, honest stories, stories i go on and on about in my head and sometimes stories that i don’t have an answer to.. hope you like reading it and get a bit of a spin for your own day by day// life story

#expectations

what is it all about expectations? it took me so long to figure that one out for me.. as soon as you start to have expectations, things start to not work out the way you want them to. let’s analyze bit deeper: you want life to go the way you want to? you expect this whole universe to make happen what you expect? you think you know better what shall happen? hmm, how can that be of any good? i needed time to understand that life gets so much better with having very little to no expectations.. you know why? because then you might get really surprised by what happens and you enjoy it instead of judging. you enjoy it way more because you don’t compare it to what you thought might happen but you give into the moment and you see what it does to you. and from time to time life might surprise you because you didn’t have any expectations. we all think we have so much control about our lives but the truth is, we simply don’t. period. life evolves every day in a new way and we can only face it, enjoy and see where it takes us. by having no expectations, it becomes much easier to go with what life has in store for us

much love, K

 

logbook// 28th of june 2018 on #socialmedia

hello lovely world people out there, decided to finally start writing little stories, honest stories, stories i go on and on about in my head and sometimes stories that i don’t have an answer to.. hope you like reading it and get a bit of a spin for your own day by day// life story

#socialmedia

social media is something we all got used to the last years, it didn’t come over night but it made it easy to “communicate” with your friends, easy, lazy and convenient.. they tell you: look i am happy, so no need to reach out and ask if they are.. instead we double click and like the perfect image they show us of them.. but is this the truth and reality behind the picture? isn’t it something we all pretend to be? isn’t it presenting yourself to the world the way you want to be? from the perfect angle, with the perfect filter and with this perfect happiness caught in this particular moment? hmm, i struggle a lot with that idea currently.. it feels like we want to fill a void that we don’t have, we try to pretend being someone we are not, making it look like reality. running after this perfection, hiding our flaws and what makes us the true version of ourselves..

i am not saying it is only black and white and there are surely “real” profiles too but if you give it a thought we don’t need to catch a beautiful moment on camera, because then it means we need to pause it to catch it on camera. but if we really enjoy those moments, we forget time, we forget everything around us, we are in the flow, we enjoy and we live it and we screenshot those moment in our head and save it forever..

don’t get me wrong, i still think it is a beautiful way to share things with the world but i start to see that we need to have the life we enjoy truly first instead of just the perfect social media account.. live, love, be.. it needs really very little to be happy and grateful for what you have in life

much love, K